Scorched Dicks, Resignations &Pink Collars

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Asshats, Why I Love My Job on December 6, 2008 by catscratch

In keeping with my Pitty Party attitude, I’d like to compose a list of people who’s laps I’d love to accidentally spill a nice cup of hot tea in.

#1 –  The asshat who went and changed wordpress.

WTF??  It was working just fine.

I knew where all the little buttons were.

It took me about 30 minutes to figure out how to save a draft and not publish this perfect post before it was full of sarcasm.

#2 – My step-son.

Why??  WHY??  Why is it every damn time I go out of town for a few days…

*that his dishes sit in the sink crusting with burnt, canned chili

*that his room seems to smell more like a kennel than when I left.

*that his chores never seem to get accomplished timely?

#3 – Big T.

Enough moping around already for fuck sake.

Put on your big boy shorts and find something to do.

When you hurt, take a pain pill.  That’s why you have them.

Quit thinking I’m mad at you all the damn time.

I’m not mad at you, I’m just sick of you drag assing around feeling sorry for yourself.

#4 – The dork at Taco Bell who refuses to give me enough friggin mild sauce to make my bean burrito tasty.

#5 – Christmas shoppers at the WalMart who are in a foul ass mood to be Christmas shopping… collectively, the whole tea pot in all their laps.

Do like me, don’t shop for Christmas if it pisses you off so much!

Ok, there are way too many to list.  So, let’s move on.

I spent the last 3 days in Huntsville at a distributor meeting…

I resigned my position as CFO as whoever was doing all the financial bullshit before me was a complete moron and nothing is as it seems… actually it is.

It’s in the shitter and I’m not about to take responsibility for it.

I’ll go back to my cushy little, high paying sales position… travel and eat in tasty places.

So, I still have a job.  Not the same job, but a job none-the-less.

I managed to talk to the Big Guy, my main boss who flew in for a Board Meeting before the meeting so he’d not be blind-sided and pissed.

The Board Meeting in which I was set to resign…  he had to know.

I told him in theory there is a big fucking difference in a bookkeeper and an accountant… and I just ain’t no accountant.

I can’t do magic with numbers…

unless it’s spending money… I can make that shit disappear.

Anyway… I ended up with a sweet chunk of real estate for my territory.

Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, North & South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Arkansas.

Yah.  I’ll be a tired bitch from all the road rage in my future.

So, in a nutshell (too late), this week saw one job (the job I loved dearly) disappear, open up to me a new job.  And I only took a $700 a year cut in pay.

Go. Me.

The Redneck turned White Collar (albeit temporarily) is back to the Redneck.

I think I’ll call it Pink Collar.

I’ll be around to give wet, slobbery love to all y’all over the weekend!

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Turn Out the Lights, The Party’s Over

Posted in drama-lama-dingdong on December 2, 2008 by catscratch

Today, I watched my desk get taken away never to be seen again.

Today, I emptied the trashcans and took it all away to the dumpster.

Today, I threw the last of the last little office items into the bed of my truck.

Today, I vacuumed my way out of the office.

Today, I turned off the lights and locked the door.

Today, I walked down the way and turned the keys into the landlord.

Today, I watched the last nearly nine years of my life come to an abrupt end.

I’m an emotional heap of whining mess.

I cried, knowing my job will never be the same as it has been.

I will now be in a new part of the company, as the southeast sales manager.

I suppose I should be happy that I still have a job after this reorganization/merge happened, because so many people are without jobs right now.

Like I said… I’m being a baby today.  I’m whining.  I’m crying.  I’m scared of the unknown.

Big T feels like shit, so he’s not in any condition to cheer me up.  Wish he’d crack a joke or fart or something.

Lindsay, JimBob & WalMart

Posted in Uncategorized on November 29, 2008 by catscratch

Thanksgiving was as usual in our family.

We cooked wayyyy too much, and subsequently ate wayyyy to much.

I’m sure I consumed no less than a gazillion calories and didn’t even make it to the pies and stuff.

It’s Saturday now and I’m still keeping my mits out of the pudding cake.  I just don’t think I can take it.

Anyhooooo, E Chuod over at Oh, Was That the Line?

did a lil post naming thing that he could do without….  National Thanks For Nothing Day….

Of course I’m always naming off things I could do without for the rest of my life, but I figured I jack the idea, and give a little link lovin at the same time…

So without further ado, let’s get to listin those things I could go the rest of my life without, mmk?

  • Lindsay Lohan… I don’t care if she’s drunk, stoned, coked up, a lesbian, or pantiless…. She needs to grow up and go away already.
  • The fact that the only friggin checkout line in WalMart that you can by cigarrettes is a 10 items or less checkout line.  WTF??   They should allow all lanes to sell smokes.   I buy a buggy full of of shit everytime I go in that damn place….  They expect me to go through one lane, then the other.   Please…. there is always at least a 30 minute wait to check out at WalMart because the tight bastards only utilize 7 of the 32 available lanes.
  • I could give a rats ass to hear about politicians and celebrities cheat.  Who cares.  JimBob next door cheated on LouEllen and it didn’t make the front page of AOL or the local paper.
  • I was pissed when Christmas commercials and displays started before Halloween… Now I’ll be pissed until the day after Christmas from all of the Ho-fucking-Ho Ho Ho commercials.  I hate it.
  • Government bailing out of anything.  It’s all bullshit.  They aren’t helping anything.  They aren’t doing anything but snatching taxpayer dollars and pissing it away….

I’m sure I could go on all day, but I’m depressing myself and I have a shit load of stuff to do.

Go and visit some these guys…

Joe Cool – A karaoke crooner who loves his chica and family and is on my list of folks to invade one day.

What I Got So Far – This guy is an insomniac, sarcastic and full of crap.  I love it and I’m totally addicted.

Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy – Thanksgiving plans with the Hoff.

Fracas – Sick, sick woman pimping food porn.

Giving Thanks, 007 & Karaoke

Posted in karaoke, life in my house, Thanksgiving, The Inner Circular People on November 27, 2008 by catscratch

Ok, I’m not the happy holiday type gal.    It’s just not in my nature to get into the giddie-ness of the season.

I think it’s all over commercialized and truly just a big bunch of money-makin crap.

That said, as I try to make my rounds to the blogs I stalk on a regular basis… there are some of them that have listed things that they are thankful for.

So, regardless of my disdain for the holiday season as a whole, I’ve really had no choice but to reflect on things that I have to be thankful for.

And heeeere we go.

Family. I have 2 kids, Big T has 2 kids…. that equals 4, plus one grandbaby.  It’s taken me well over a year to adjust to having the new additions to my life, and it’s not been all that easy on my children either… but somehow we’ve made it work.

Friends. Without them, life would be obnoxiously boring.  Hollyrock and Mario are my best friends in the world and I love them with all of my little heart.

James Bond. Without the James Bond marathon and football (BTW the VOLS blow) Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same.  I’ve watched the Bond-a-thon on Turkey day with my Dad since I was a kid.  And I don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody says, Roger Moore is, in fact, the best Bond.

Most excellent Bond flicks, in no particular order….

Live and Let Die, View to A Kill, Diamonds Are Forever, You Only Live Twice, Goldfinger….  and I gots ’em all on VHS cuz I’m all hi-tech and shit.

Karaoke. Oh yah, Babe.

There’s nothing that entertains me more than a night out drinkin and singin some ridiculously cheesy songs.  Nothing.

Piss on a bunch of American Idol.  They’re all just glorified karaoke singers.  And Simon is an evil troll…

I’m so sucked in by listening to myself make all kinds of noise that Big T went and bought me a super-deee-dooper system for the house.  Complete with my very own Diva microphone stand.

It’s not that I’m all that good… til I’ve had a few beers and then a few more beers… then I’m damn good.  Heh.

I thankful for lots of stuff.  I really am.   But to list them would take too long, so I covered the highlights.

I know you people have Turkey to eat and football to watch!

So, take it easy.  Save some food for tomorrow and do it all over again.

Love to all y’all and yours.

Ghosts, Blondie & Painful Tattoos

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, It's All About MeMeMe Beeeyach! on November 26, 2008 by catscratch

So, we’re moving the office and I officially don’t even have a desk anymore. 

I’m bloggin from the floor of my office and I’m using a MEMEMEMEME today because, hey, I just don’t have time for shit.

Do you like the person you are becoming? Hell Yes! I love me and I like the person I’ve become. I’m bitchy and sarcastic, but really what’s not to love.  

Do you currently find yourself to look cute? YES!  I am adorable!

What do you want for Christmas/ or your next birthday? That list of naughty, naughty trinkets from Adult World.. heh.

Did you ever call anyone “darling”? No.  I’m not Karen Carpenter or Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Did anybody ever call you beautiful? Big T tells me I’m beautiful all the time, but he’s biased and he has to.

Do you consider yourself sexy? Oh, hell yes.  I’m a sexy bitch. Do I make you horny?

Ever seen a ghost? Creepy as it sounds…. crazy as it sounds… I think I have.  In my old house.  I saw him several times.  He was an old dude from way back before electricity and cars and shit.  He’d just walk through the dining room and then be gone. 

A singer/group you thought was cool when you were little? I thought Blondie was BAD ASS!

 

Last item you bought yourself?  FlipFlops, two pair. And dayum, they are adorable! Especially since they were on sale.

If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?   Cato is my favorite store in the whole wide world.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?  I’ll be finishing up this move, going home and cooking Thanksgiving food.  I just want it to be Friday already so I can fall on the couch, watch football and sleep.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?  Just got the new tattoo yesterday.  The black work and shading were done Saturday and the coloring was finished last night… and it’s hurting like a bitch right now. 

Granted, it’s not the best picture, I had to take it with my phone since I suck and haven’t recharged my batteries since the whole male whoring expedition.

Ok, so there ya go.  A little more TMI than ya bargain for.

But hey… when one gets writers block or is going through a boring phase, Mememememes work well.

Now SMILE DAMMIT!

Slutty, Skanky & Into S & M

Posted in Barbie is a slut, Diva's little public service notices, karaoke on November 22, 2008 by catscratch

Does anybody else think Barbie has turned into a slut in her middle age?

I mean, she’s always had awesome boobs that are obviously implants because, let’s face it, no chick has real boobs that big and perky after the age of 35 without a little help.

As a dreamin type kid, I had a shitpot of Barbie Dolls in my toybox, closet, floor, under the bed…

And more Barbie clothes than 10283764 Barbie’s could every be dressed up in for fashion show.

But back in the day all of the clothes that old-skool Barbie had was fairly tasteful and Barbie was appropriately covered.   No leg.  No ass.  No boobs…

Back in the day, Barbie was all moral and stuff.  Holding hands with Ken…  Cruisin her Barbie Mobile…

Nowdays, Barbie has turned into a total skank.


No wonder all these little girls out there are all about looking 25 when they are only 11.

Trust me, I have experience here.

My kids never did dig the Barbie dolls, but I have a niece that does.

And the girl dresses just like her Barbie.

All I can say about that is this…

The day I see the child dressed like this…

I’m gonna slap her mother right upside the head.

Is it just me, or has Barbie turned into total skank?

On the bright side….  Loookie!!!

I found me a Catscratch Karaoke Barbie….

Ain’t she cool?

 

You kids have a great weekend now, ya hear?

Insensitivity, Insanity & Craigslist

Posted in Uncategorized on November 21, 2008 by catscratch

Have you ever heard me claim to be a lady?

I didn’t think so.  Problem solved.

Actually, I don’t have anything super smart ass to say about men today…. but…

some of the comments from my male blog buddies regarding my tampon post were very uncaring and insensitive.

How would you like to bleed like somebody went and ripped one of your ovaries out for damn near a week???

So, a little sympathy from the males in the peanut gallery would be appreciated in the future. 

Mmmmmm, k?

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So, we’re officially moving out of our office and time’s a tickin.

We have to vacate this place before next Wednesday…

Needless to say, it looks like somebody went and set off a bomb up in here.

Like, the big one.

Our crap is getting scattered between a storage unit, my new office across town and Huntsville.

I’m running in circles and I think I’m losing my mind.

It’s probably packed up in one of these friggin boxes somewhere.

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Craigslist. Is. The. Coolest. Thing.

I’d heard of it before.

But never really looked at it, bought anything off of it, or sold anything.

So, when I was bitching about what to do with all of this stuff in our office that we needed to get rid of, my eldest child said “Just put it on Craigslist, Momma.”

So, I listed our office furniture sets, industrial shelves, typewriter, printers……

And this phone hasn’t stopped ringing.

And I’ve deleted the ads because everything is done sold…

With the exception of the overhead projector.

OG said I could give it to my tattoo guy if he’ll fix the tat on my left ankle that she absolutely hates.