Archive for the Priceless shit that makes the news Category

Birth Control, Bright Colors & Mardi Gras Beads

Posted in Penis & the male anatomy, Priceless shit that makes the news, sex, sperm and sperm donations on August 11, 2008 by catscratch

Word of the Day:  LUNNER.  

The meal between lunch and dinner.  Use it people!

Ok.  I’ve found the most amusing answer to birth control EVER.

And just because it’s been touted on GIZ Mag, doesn’t mean it’s not credible.  That’s just where Google took me when I Googled it.

And I only Googled it because I saw it in Time Magazine.  A respectable reading aparatus.

What is it you might ask?

A spray on condom.  Excellent.

How does it work, you wonder?

Well, a fella with a semi hard dick, schlongdingaling,  johnson, will stick that semi-erect johnson into a can, which has nozzles on all sides, which will spray latex all over that johnson.

See the handy dandy illustration I found for you below:

Got it?  No?  

Here’s one in color.

Cute, huh?

How did it happen you wonder?  Well, some little German dude was thinking naughty thoughts and got a hard on.

Then, he thought to himself:  “Self, wouldn’t it be easier if I could just spray something on my winkie and get right to it instead of having to stop, get a rubber, open it, roll it on and then go?”

His self said: “Yes, German boy.  That’s a smashing idea.”

Supposedly, it’ll be available in a plethora of bright colors. 

Nothing like a bright green wang comin at ya, huh girls?

Now I know you’ll all (well the boys in the group) be thrilled to know… they’re lookin for CONDOM TESTERS….

What are the requirements, you wonder?   Well, your Johnson either has to measure betwixt 9 and 12 centimeters or betwixt 15 and 20 centimeters. 

For y’all non metric types that’s a range from 3.54 to 7.87 inches.

To apply, click here.

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Now… I love giving away the Blingies that I get like a pervert on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras loves throwing beads a flashers.  It’s just that fun.  Thorn bestowed this lil beauty on me last week cuz I cuss alot and I scare him.  Hmmm.    Time to pass it along.

HomoEscapeons.  For his deep thinking.  You go, Donn.

Mental Poo.  For being all gracious when getting bling and talking about poo.  You go, Rod.

Alosha.  For making me realize that the world is small… (six degrees of separation and all).

Buzzardbilly.  For simply being her.  You gotta go over there.

His Bobness.  Because he either makes me laugh, cry or think. And he loves his Mama enough to go to Walmart.  That, my friends, is a great man.

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Bouncy, Peppy & Oh So Stooopid

Posted in Asshats, friggin hilarious, Lame and stupid crap, Priceless shit that makes the news on August 7, 2008 by catscratch

It never fails.  I have a lovely post about telemarkers allllll ready to go and then I find something that just can’t wait.

Apparently, it’s Cheer Camp season.  You know, the time of year when a shit pile of mini skanks in training converge to learn how to be more bouncy and peppy and how to get the crowds all worked up.

I don’t say mini skanks in training in a condescending way.  I was once a mini skank in training myself.  I know the drill.  And the fact is, we get smarter, much smarter with age.

Anyway, so, a bunch of goofy girls are at University of Texas for their little Cheer Camp when a light bulb went off right above one of their heads while they were waiting for the evelvator to come get them.

Bright Idea Cheerleader (BIC): “Oh My God!!  You guys! I just had a bright idea!!!”

Pack of follower (POF):  “Do tell!!  Do tell!!!”

BIC- “There are signs everywhere that say only 15 people can fit on this elevator.”

POF-  *crickets*

BIC- “Don’t you get it???  There are 26 of us and I bet we can all fit in on it.”

POF- “OOOHHHH!!!”  Followed by lots of giggles.

The elevator arrives, the doors open and 26 giggling, bouncing cheerleaders prance on.

The doors shut.

The elevator decends to the first floor.   BUT…

The doors won’t open.

BIC- “Oh crap!  We’re stuck.”

POF- *crickets*

BIC- “The doors won’t open cuz there’s too many of us in here!!”

POF- “OOOHHHH!!!” Followed by complete cheerleader panic and fainting.

Anyways, alls well that ends well.  One of those brainiacs thought to call 911 from her cell phone and they were free within a half hour.

Yah.  Those cheerleaders.  Some of the brightest crayons in the box.

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Ok, so I’d like to introduce all y’all to a couple more of my friends here on Blogger’s Lane.

Enjoy!

Bob– The Essence of Bobness.  He’s just adorable.

Slick– Slick Sumbich.  He makes me look like a choir girl he’s so sarcastic.

MJ– Infomaniac.  Another one who makes me look like a saint.

Vol– TN Vol Fan.  Pics.  Go see ’em.

An Occifer, A Porn Star & The Internetz

Posted in Asshats, Diva's little public service notices, Porn-o-graffiti, Priceless shit that makes the news, sex on June 17, 2008 by catscratch

Let’s start with some shameless self promotion.  Come see my picture blog,  pleeeaze.   One picture per day of something or somewhere super swell.  

 End shameless self promotion attempt.

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Say, did you hear the one about the Tennessee State Trooper and the Porn Star???

Sounds like the start of a really bad joke, huh?

Actually, it’s funnier than a room full of Michael Jackson impersonators whipping each other with wet spaghetti noodles….  

AND it’s no joke.

James Randy Moss, of the Tennessee Highway Patrol, had an anonymous complaint filed against him by a cupie doll named Justis Richert in Nashville, TN.

We here in beautiful KnoxVegas should be proud to boast that Justis, a.k.a. Barbie Cummings *snicker*, is a Knoxvillian. Let’s pause and give Barbie some well-deserved kudos. She makes our community proud by being a big-time porn star who makes her living by flying back and forth to the City of Angels to shoot her fair share of scenes.

I would now like to paraphrase for you how the skinny goes down:

Occifer Perv-A-Lot (OP): Hey sexy, can I see your license & registration?

[Queue Saxaphone Music]

Local Porn Queen (LPQ): Why yes occifer. Here’s my license and registration.

OP: Well, these seems in order. (Hiking up pants, Barney style) Miss Richert, do you have any drugs on you or in your ride?

LPQ: Why hell yes I do. Want some? They are my happy pills, they make me happy and extremely horny. Oh, by the way, I’m a porn star. I can rock your world, baby.

OP: Realllllly now? You aren’t just saying that to get my manhood roaring and to get me into some serious trouble later?

LQP: Oh, no, occifer. I wouldn’t do that in a million and one years. Don’t you have a lappytop in your crusie-woosie. I can show you my work. By the way, my stage name is Barbie Cummings. *snicker*

OP: Well, first, Miss Cummings *snicker*, you’ll need to give me those pills so I can fix your problem. (OP scatters dim pills in da bushes) Now lets take a little stroll on back to my cruiser and we’ll see just how good you really are. How’s that sound?

LQP: Well, okay. I think that was really neat what you did.

(Getting into the cruiser and turning on lappy)

OP: Wow, girl. Look at you go. Say, what’ll it take for a nasty, middle aged, perv with a badge to get up next to a sweet thang like you?

LQP: Jeez, I don’t know. Maybe if you tape it with your cruiser camera so I can remember you.

OP: Fine by me.

Some various acts of a sexual nature were captured by Occifer DipShit as he rolled tape. You know Barbie might have fear of performing action without the lights and cameras.

To make a long story even longer, this guy gives her a copy of the tape…. Where she….you guessed it… POSTED IT ON HER WEBSITE FOR ONE AND ALL TO SEE….  ( No linkies are to be found… they pulled it).

I wonder if this would actually be one of the lamest things I’ve heard?

Insomnia, Silicone & World Record Boobage

Posted in Boobies, Lame and stupid crap, Priceless shit that makes the news, Racks, Tatas, Tits, you are a psycho on May 20, 2008 by catscratch

As usual, I couldn’t sleep the other night.

Insomniac Alert!  So, I get up and put it on Fox News.  I love Red Eye.  As the name implies, this is a show that is on in the middle of the night. 

Since the time frame is one where most kids aren’t up and listening, they tend to be lax and extremely sarcastic with regard to most of the subject matter covered.

Anyways, so I sitting there and I am in disbelief as they discuss Booooobs

 

disgusting huge boobs

 

There’s a chick in Texas who is wanting to have bigger tits. 

You know them Texans… gotta have the biggest everything.

BUT, that’s not the catch.

The catch is that this sister has already had EIGHT, yes EIGHT, upgrades to her boobage.

They are already noted in Brazil’s version of World Records as the Biggest Tits Ever.

huge tits

But she wants them bigger.  TRIPLE F (fff) just ain’t big enough.

Imagine this…  she already has two quarts of GOO in her.  And not good GOO either…

The kind of GOO that if it leaks is going to turn her entire being into plastic as the GOO mixes in with her blood.

fake tits

When they asked her why the hell she’d keep fillin ’em up she said:

“I want to look better each day, every day,” the 28-year-old model told the TV station. “Everybody’s got a dream inside, you know? And, it’s good when you can make your dream come true.”

Shaaaaa, right.  Dream on, you ditz.

It’s been 13 years since I had cried back pain to get my boobies to a more managable D-cup.  To accomplish it, they removed 7.6 POUNDS of boobie fat… 

I can’t even fathom the back and neck pain this chick is gonna endure in the years to come…

The State of Texas is saving her from herself as the law in Texas states that there is a limit in the amount of silicone allowed. 

I guess, as long as her happy dreams are coming true.

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While we’re on the subject of boobs, tits, ta-ta’s, racks, milk jugs…..   Check this chick out:

Reverse Cowgirl, HeftyBags & eBay

Posted in Asshats, eBay eBay eBay, friggin hilarious, Priceless shit that makes the news, sex on May 19, 2008 by catscratch

Ok, so OG sends me a link to this story the other day at work.

It seems that this chick, Sharron, was riding one of her co-workers like a hobby horse on a regular basis.  Which is cool if you can suplement the slow times at work with something like wild monkey sex in the janitorial closet.

BUT….

She was stupid about it and left an email trail of her side nookie.

AND….

Her husband found it.

FUCK!  Busted!

So, he’s super dooper pissed off and he packs her shit up in Hefty bags and pitches ’em out into the driveway for her to see when she comes home.

She leaves.

He’s still pissed.

He gets on eBay and put his “cheating, lying, adulterous slag of a wife” up for auction.

I can only assume that there are some men out there that would enjoy some wild monkey lovin’ as the bids were up to 500,100 Euro when eBay yoinked the bid down.

I love it.

Classic… 

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Oh yah!  Rumor has it that I’m a double agent for both Speedy & Redneck.

Do you really think I’d play both sides???

Viking Sperm with Personality & Toy Schnoodles

Posted in clone production, Diva's little public service notices, Priceless shit that makes the news, sex, Shit that has no rhyme or reason, sperm and sperm donations, viking jiz on May 16, 2008 by catscratch

Let’s start out here with a quote, shall we?

Dane is a tall, blond and athletic young man. He is outgoing, fun with a masculine build and sounds like the life of any singles party. Dane isn’t in a dating mode, though. But his sperm is for sale.

viking sperm

So, the story goes a little somethin’ like this…  The Danish and their masculine, hung like a bear, stamina of a racehorse, viking type men….  are pimping out their jiz swimmers spooooge sperm.

No, that’s not even really the entire story… the story is that those strappin vikings are pimpin their man juice in the U.S. market.   

No shit, the place is a scandanavian cryobank in Manhattan.   Apparently there’s a huge demand for danish dude man juice over here.  Who woulda thunk?

The story goes on to say the demand is created by U.S. women stereotyping the danish daddy-o types as being civilized, sensitive & handsome.  

Well, ok then.

They go on and on and on about how VIKING SPERM is just the sperm you need to have a big, bold, mac daddy baby. 

These people at Scandanavian Crybank, in essense, claim to be gods… as it appears your baby will be made to order.

It’s kind of the same as these psychos that mix various animal types to come up with something new and exciting.

Let’s say, for shits and giggles…. we mix a toy poodle and a schnauzer…. we get a schnoodle.

schnoodle

Nice.

But I’m assuming Danish Viking Babies will be much cuter than a schnoodle…

For a mere $275 USD, you can obtain one injection of Danish Sperm. 

 

I wonder if that includes a roll in the hay with Mads, the only hot viking master?

viking sperm mads mikkelsen 

The whole thing gives me the heebeejeebees.

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Oh yah, in regards to the whole female blue-balls syndrome, my good friend Moooooog from Mental Poo has offered some amazing insight.

Hop right on over there and try to talk him into guest posting at WebMD

Cockroaches, Chicken Blood & Rusty Equipment

Posted in Asshats, Diva's little public service notices, Nasty Filthy Places, Plain Nasty, Priceless shit that makes the news, sucky customer service on May 15, 2008 by catscratch

Catchy post title? 

I’m squeemish as hell.   And I’m gaggin right now.  So I thought I share it with all y’all.

This post is a public service to those of you kids who hang out in Knoxville. 

For the rest of you, it’s a heads up.

It happens every-damn-where.

Yah.  Well, if you’re gaggin now, it only gets better from here.

(Note to self:   watching the news…. it only makes me sick and worried).

As a rule, it’s smart to know and accept that what goes on behind a kitchen door at Any Restaurant USA, is just icky. 

I just happened to catch a segment on the local news the other day about how many of the restaurants in Knoxville are filthy, disgusting, health hazards scoring extremely low, if not failing altogether, on their pop health inspections.   

Anything below a 70 is failing, by the way.  Amazing how many there are.

So, I figure, why not share.  If it’s happening here, I’m sure it’s happening at your local haunts.

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Numero Uno on the Gag me with a Spoon List is:  TEXAS ROADHOUSE.

Oh. My. God.  They FAILED.  Like 45 out of 100 failed.

Here’s the rundown of their filth.  Rat shit in the pantry closet.  Employee rubbing his  face and then continued making food.  I can only imagine he was diggin for gold, but they didn’t come out and say it.  Food not kept at safe temperatures. Can you say curdled sour cream?

booger picker licker

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Dos Gross Place is:  Sakkio Japan 

Y’all are gonna love this.  Inspectors found la cocarochas in the rice bags.  Just crawling around in it.  Bags of sugar (50 lb) were left on the floor around the prep area and chicken blood ran all over it.  Since there is no hand sink in the kitchen area that spews forth hot water, nobody there was washing their hands properly.  Yummy, huh?

big nasty cock roach

Thankfully, the inspector made those pathetic nasty asses toss out nearly 100 pounds of food and goods.

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Filth Bucket #3: Mandarin House

I suppose what bothers me most is the fact that this place has been voted Knoxville’s Best chinese place for many moons.  I personally have thought they suck big furry balls since I went and they tried to pass off spaghetti noodles for Lo Mein noodles.    Not cool.

Now to find out they are just the most disgusting of the disgusting with the lowest score ever in the history of Knoxville…..  a 37.

Rundown of the asshattery at this place:  Dipshit drops raw chicken on the floor, looks around, slings it in the pan and cooks it.  Fried food was dripping onto chicken in the freezer.  The whole place has moldy ceilings (an athsma attack waiting to happen).  Again, they found roaches scurrying around the dishroom.

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I’d share more, but quite frankly I’m getting the heebie jeeebies just thinking about eating and it’s getting mighty close to lunch time. 

Hungry yet?