Archive for the No blowjob for you tonight Category

A Blind Date, Lack o’ Nookie & The Spin Cycle

Posted in Bloggers Lane, Diva's Bitchin, No blowjob for you tonight, sex on February 12, 2008 by catscratch
Ok, I super suck to begin with. 
That’s why Blogger was appealing.
But Blogger kept eating my well thought out and extremely witty shit.
WordPress takes some know-how.
 I ain’t gots none of that.
I’m as PC/net savvy as my 80 year old granny.
But, I’ve decided even if I have a boring page, at least my posts won’t get sucked up and thrown to the friggin wind.
So, if you will, please bear with me while I change up.
If anybody knows any damn thing that can help me with this crap, feel free to shout.
I’m working on my blogroll. 
Even that’s proving to be a MEGA bitch.
*****************************************************

I asked my friends here on Blogger’s Lane to stimulate me…

Not like that, you pervie. But to hit me with some questions that would make me think.

Come to find out, most of you are truly perverted, warped people.

Just like me.

So, first in line was Leighann, the beautiful vixen at Pessimists Need Love Too, my good friend from down the block who just loves to post naughty pictures and what not. My goodness.

She says, “Well hot damn dog, I loves to ask me some questions that are none of my business!

Here goes!”

1. How did you meet Big T?

Oddly enough, Big T and me were set up by our best friends. Big T & Mario have worked together for nealy 12 years. So, Mario decided to pull a cupid on us.

At the time, Big T lived about an hour north of where I did and was uber resistant and reluctant to get into something where he’d have deal with any crap from anybody….

Mario kept trying for 5 months to get Big T to come down from BFE to meet a Diva.

Finally after that long, I told Mario I never wanted to hear any mention of Big T’s name and that he could tell Big T that he’d really fucked up by not coming down and that I wasn’t just sitting around waiting on him.

Mario went to Big T the next day at work and told him what I’d said. That I really wasn’t sitting around waiting for him and that it wasn’t likely that I’d have any interest in somebody who dicks around and procrastinates.

He called that night. Wednesday, September 13th.
His ass was down that Friday.

And to think the poor fella didn’t want to deal with anybody and their shit.
I’m queen of creating drama and stirring shit.

Poor guy.

2. How often do ya’ll get-it-on?

I knew somebody would ask that question. I just did.

And I am ready with my well thought out response.

NOT FUCKING ENOUGH!

How’s that for brutally honest?

I love Big T with all my heart and I know the man loves me more than a fat kid loves donuts, so I try not to let that LITTLE fact annoy me.

3. Is there anything (sexual) you WOULD not do for him?

Oh hell no. I’m all about some wild monkey lovin. The kind you get all contorted and hang upside down off the bed and pull sheets off in an effort to hold on.

So, Leighann, thanks for bringing the naughty thoughts.

 I’m gonna go try to get Big T to gimme some…

If that doesn’t work, I’m gonna do one or more of the following:

(A) I’m gonna put the washing machine on the spin cycle double time.

 (B) Sit and watch mega porn in the dark and pout.

 (C) Scarf down a shit pot of chocolates.

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Sunday Morning, FleaMarkets & 18 Wheelers

Posted in Asshats, No blowjob for you tonight, sucky customer service on January 2, 2008 by catscratch

I haven’t worked or blogged much in the past couple of weeks. I actually can’t tell you what the hell I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks, as everything has been pretty uneventful and quiet.

Not that I’m complaining. I like my uneventful, drama-free exisitence. Boring and quiet is good. Drama and angst are of the devil. The only drama I was in tune to dealing with was the shit I was giving Big T for not giving me any Saturday night. The nerve.

This past weekend was full of driving around aimlessly and playin poker. Me and Big T woke up at the buttcrack of dawn on Sunday, way before the chickens even. He decided that we should go ridin. So… up, showered, made-up, dressed and out the door… turn-key job performed in like 35 minutes. Not bad considering I AM NOT a very enthusiastic morning person.

First stop. Breakfast. McDonald’s. Clinton, TN.
Now I’m not sure if the manager bitch working the cash register and taking orders was pissed because:
A- it was Sunday morning before the chickens were up and her ass was at work…
B- she didn’t get any Saturday night, but from all appearances she had been rode hard and put up wet…
C her district manager was combing through her files with a magnifying glass…
D-I was there at an ungodly hour, lookin like a million bucks…

Whatever the reason, she had a friggin corn-cob wedged up her ass and it was apparent that she didn’t want to be there. Friendly McDonalds’ greeting? I think not.

Now, I don’t deny being a complete and total bitch. It’s part of my genetic make-up. As a result, I do not have a job where it is required that I be friendly while on the clock. I can be pissed off and bitchy if I want to, but I’m not serving a Big Breakfast to the church crowd on Sunday morning either.

Second stop. TN’s Largest Fleamarket, Crossville, TN. (1.5 hours west of home)
Largest, my ass. It might be the largest fleamarket spot, but there wasn’t a damn thing to be seen. But, my Big T is a die hard fleamarket junkie. I’m not so much, especially the outside kind, but I can take one for the team when I have to.

It was cold, it was wet, it was NOT fleamarket friendly weather. There were, at best, 10 stalls of shit open for business. Ten. Out of 120 or more booths.
But it was ok. We were out riding and I found 3 pairs of cutsie foo-foo socks to add to my overflowing sock drawer.

So, we leave Crossville. Buh-bye. By this time it’s nearly 10:30 EST, we decided to drive to Sevierville for the other big ass fleamarket.

On the way back we pass a huge convoy of 18-wheelers. That is a bad-ass sight when there’s a line of semi’s as far as you can see. I started talking about a friend of mine that calls them 16-wheelers. They are not, 16-wheelers, they are 18-wheelers for fuck sake, call them what they are.

Big T is amused by this chatter. “Count the wheels, baby. You do realize that the trailer only has 8 wheels and that the rig actually holds the others, right?”

*blink* “My argument, Big T, isn’t where the damn wheels are or what they are attached to. My arguement is the total number of wheels under that bad-mama-jama.”

Finally, we get to Sevierville (+/- 1 hour east of home)
This was fine with me. This fleamarket is is heated and indoors. My kind of fleamarket. Plus they have cute little dogs and those sinful roasted cashews, makes the place a winner in my book.

I fell in love a little shit-zoo immediately. Big T is a poop and wouldn’t buy it for me. I’m still holding that against him and am not sure when I will let the whole thing drop. I think if I play it right, I can get maximum mileage out of my bitchin’ about not getting the puppy and end up with the puppy at the same time.

In addition to the puppy fiasco. I found 10 MORE pairs of foo-foo socks, a wire scooper number for my FryDaddy and a cute little shot-glass measuring cup that you use instead of measuring spoons. Very nice.

What is life, but to make it interesting for my hubby?

Drunk Wine & Sleepin on the Job

Posted in No blowjob for you tonight, Obscene Drinkin, sex on December 12, 2007 by catscratch

We generally have friends over on Saturday nights. Not because we don’t dig going out, because we do. But going out all the time does tend to get old, plus you have to worry about the PO-PO pullin your ass over in the middle of the night.

Of course, I’m a spoiled, lucky girl. I have a designated driver at all times and I dig it. Regardless of that, it’s nice just to stay in, cook a smorgassboard of tasty good stuff and drink hot toddies or beer or wine or Jack….

Well, on tap for the past weekend’s buffet was pork tenderloin, rosemary potatoes, steamed snow peas and a variety of other crap.

I must say, I’ve never cooked a tenderloin before and I rocked the balls out of it.
Baked it sloooooow in the oven, double wrapped in foil filled with every herb you can think of. After being on slow bake for 3 hours, I jerked that badboy out of the foil and slung it on the grill… G-R-U-B!!

Everybody ate way too damn much.

I, of course, was no exception. Quite the contrary. I started drinkin whilst cooking. The flavor of the day was Meridian Chardonnay, mighty good.

I asked Big T to open me the first bottle and it was on. Between me and Taucha, we polished off close to three bottles. A little much.

I paced myself, like a professional New Orleans drinker. Sipping all night long. It’s hard to tell how much wine one has consumed when one’s glass never quite gets empty before somebody happens by to freshen it.

So, it’s 1:00am, and everybody is leaving. I had been giving Big T the eye and making obscene gestures toward him all night. REOW… come here big daddy.

He was sitting on the couch in the love den, when I crawled up in his lap and made close up obscene gestures at him before departing with my clothes and heading toward the bed. I knew it was a matter of 1.8 seconds before he’d be following me that way.

Woooo! I was feeling my oats. I was gonna tear his ass up. I was gonna make him scream my name and write bad checks. I was gonna make him beg for mercy.
Let the makin out and major league cannoooodlin begin!

I kiss my way down into a desireable spot. Somehow, don’t ask me how… I passed out. His goodies right in front of me and I pass out. Of course at first, he thought I was thinking or taking a breather….

He taps me on the head. “Baby, are you ok? If you’re gonna go to sleep, release that and get on a pillow.”

“I’m not asleep. Swear I’m not.” As I sit up and leave a drool puddle on his belly. “Ok, so I might have been asleep.”

“That’s ok, baby. Go to sleep.”

So I did.

Well, I woke up to him staring at me. “Gotta hang over?”

My head was spinnin, “Hell ya. I’m dehydrated and my head’s spinnin.”

“Why don’t you go back to sleep?” He picked. “You do remember falling asleep last night, right?”

All day long, kids, I had to hear him slip in little comments about my inability to handle my alcohol and still be sexually fucntional. I mean, granted, it was all in fun, but how embarrassing is that?

“Sorry, baby. I swear I’ll never drink again.” Rolling my eyes. “Gimme some aspirin.”

“Yah. Yah.” He gets me aspirin, “You know you got yours and you were done, ready to go to sleep. Sometimes I think our roles in this marriage are jacked the hell up.”

“I know, huh? I spit, burp, and fart better than you.” Smiling at him like the cat that ate the canary.

Pick on me again some more.