Archive for the Fat Ass Category

Pizza & Beer

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, Fat Ass, The Soapbox on December 14, 2010 by catscratch

I’ve spent the last couple of years not writing and gaining weight. Shit happens. 

I’ve done a lot of self-analyzing and a lot of wondering.  It seems like I do that on a daily basis. 

I went under the assumption that when one reaches four/tenths of a century in age, one would have a clue as to who one really is… not…

So, all this means that I’ve figured it out.  You Know You Need To Put Down the Pizza & Beer When…

 1.Your belly juts out farther than your saggin boobs do…

2. You have fat pooches blobbin out in all the wrong places…

3. When you’re sittin on the couch and you’re restin your arms on your gut…

4. you wear leggings you look like a cream puff with legs…

5. there’s a fat roll resting snuggly against your neck & you can’t even think where to start in looking for your cheekbones…

6. you spend your time avoiding Kodak moments but if & when the shutter bug does find you, you run to find something or someone to stand behind…

7. you have to adjust your fat rolls in order to sit any kind of comfortable… and sitting like a lady???  No…

8. you have the desire, but not the breath or energy, to sing a Go-Go’s song on the karaoke anymore…

9. the inkling of a thought of dancing to a song you could dance too even just a few short years ago makes your chest start to hurt…911… hello…

10. you have a whole trunk load of clothes you bought the last time you shrank… only problem is that you gave all your fat clothes away… Doh!

What Jiggles & Floats, But Refuses to Bounce?

Posted in Fat Ass, friggin hilarious, Plain Nasty on December 21, 2007 by catscratch

First here, I wish to extend my warmest and deepest heartfelt wishes for this wonderful and joyous holiday season to each of you, my newest and bestest friends, here on Blogger’s Lane. You are a blessing and each one of you has touched me with your stories. I’ve giggled with you and cried with you. Thank you for making every single day something to look forward to you.

How was that for mushy** gushy stuff?

Onward and upward… So, what jiggles & floats, but under no circumstance does it bounce?

Big T is long gone for work. He is a prince. He gets the coffee going for my anticipated awakening to the new day a dawning before he leaves every morning. It’s 6:22 in the A.M. and the alarm has been going off for 2 minutes before I crawl across the bed to slap the snooze button My general M.O. is to hit snooze until around 7ish but I have to let Big T think I wake up earlier than that.

So, I slapped the snooze button and drop back down on his side of the bed, and off to zzzzzz-land I am again in mere miliseconds. I experience my slumbering bliss for another seven minutes when that bitch starts to scream at me again.

Welllll, I hopped up on all fours fixin to crawl across the bed to slap the snooze button again. Only problem with this scenario is the fact that I’m not on my side of the bed, I’m on his side and I don’t have any bed to crawl across.

OOOOOPS!

As of today, I have scientifically proven that fat does not, in fact, bounce.
One paw in front of the other, off the bed I went. Like a cat, I managed to land on all fours, but my knee crunched and so I was laying flat on my face.

Yah, fat jiggles, fat floats, but it certainly doesn’t bounce.

Scientific Fact: Fat Floats

Posted in Asshats, Fat Ass, friggin hilarious, sarcasm on December 16, 2007 by catscratch

Again, I comb the news for ridiculous bullshit to post about. 

Oh yah, I found a winner. 

Now, before we go any further…. lets just say I would float…..

And here we go…….

From Fox News:

A 35-year-old Orlando man can thank his 300-pound girth for helping save his life after he jumped off a cruise ship and drifted 20 miles for more than eight hours with a collapsed lung before rescuers found him in the Atlantic Ocean.

Regardless whether I knew my fat would float or not, I would not be jumping off of a perfectly fit rowing boat. That’s just lame. But, Michael Mankamyer did it. More than one witness has come around and said that “he jumped”.

Despite reports that he had “fallen” overboard, theoretically there is no way that could happen. It’s not like he was some tiny little thing that just slipped through the safety rail. No. This is a 300 pound fella.

Now, if you’ve seen the picture of this guy, the story might be explained. He just looks like that kind of goofy, attention-whore who will do anything to be in the class clown and/or the center of attention. You know, the college buddy who always got tanked before midnight and by half past, he was hanging naked from the roof of the frat house.
Jeez, buddy. Couldn’t ya have just talked all of your pals into a bad night of drinking and karaoke?

That’s it. I’ve made a snap decision to stop dieting and to stop going to the gym.
So, if on my honeymoon, I get tanked and take a wrong turn and fall off a big old rowing boat, I’ll be able to float around until they come back to find my fat behind.

He’s just lucky the Pirates weren’t out and about or he would have gotten so dunked for nothing more than being less than genius.

S.O.S. (Taco Bell’s a-goin bankrupt)

Posted in Fat Ass on November 15, 2007 by catscratch

I lost 70 pounds last year. I gave away all of my “fat clothes” and went on a serious shopping spree. Then BAM! All of my newly acquired, smaller sizes are officially snug to the point that my eyes feel like they’re gonna pop out when I try to button my jeans. I’ve packed 30 pounds back on.

I went down to a sexy, curvy 16. REOW. Ooops, I’ve managed to get back up somewhere between a big 18 and a small 20. I’d be totally fine if it wasn’t for Taco Bell and chinese food.

No, I don’t want any cheese to go with my whine… LOL. I swear to Larry, Curly & Moe that I’m not whining at all. I’m just letting you kids know that if you hear me talking about bean burritos, custard Krisy Kreme donuts or sesame chicken w/eggroll, you can kick my ass for me and remind me that I should be in step class, not the fast food line. See how it works?

I’ll be honest, afterall, I’m amongst friends. I’m flat lazy and wussed out of going to the gym like I should have.

I loved the gym and looking at all the hot dudes with well defined legs and massive arms. Hell, I even loved looking at the hottie girls that have dedicated their gym time to maintaining that hottiness. I know that ain’t right, but remember I’m being honest here. Whoever says people don’t pay attention to the other people in a gym is full of shit.

So, today I started out very well. I got up this morning, packed my bag and went to the gym immediately after work. I trotted at a leisurely 3 to 3.5 MPH on the treadmill. I managed to crank out just under 3.5 miles before I decided I’d had enough. Made me want to throw up on the extremely fit fella right next to me that was running his ass off and didn’t even get out of breath. But, then again, who’s fault is that? I think I cursed myself to gain the weight back when I wrote that friggin blog about gluttony.

So boys and girls… Wish me luck. Wish me back into a sexy size.

Underwear Crisis – Solved

Posted in Fat Ass, weddings on August 27, 2007 by catscratch

As usual nothing can go just as smooth as a newborn baby’s ass. This whole bridal underwear crisis was starting to wear on me a tad bit.

I had rescheduled with Angenette, the wedding dress alteration lady, for today to begin alterations on my gown. Of course that was assuming that my damn boob liftin, fat squashing chinese torture device arrived in time for me to carry it along to her house.

Did it come? Why, hell no.

Found out when I finally checked my email this morning, that it, in fact, had not even shipped. Found out that OOOPS, it ain’t even in stock!!!
Cancel my order! Refund the Georges back to my credit card and piss off!!!

So, me and Olga wisk off to David’s Bridal for a fun time trying to shove me into a boned corset. If you’ve never put one on, I suggest you try it.
It’s a delightful little contraption that effectively displaces fat to places it was never intented to be. All the while cutting off all hopes of taking more than a gasp of air at a time.

I have alot of breathing exercises to be performing before I am in this thing for the day. Or like Elizabeth on Pirates I, I shall be passing out and falling off a cliff into the water. Well, maybe nothing that extreme. I’ll just pass out and fall at Anthony’s feet (hopefully after squeeking out “I do”)

Anyway, if nothing else, it should make for good YouTube footage.

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Back Away from the Donut, Lardbutt!

Posted in Fat Ass, friggin hilarious on April 13, 2007 by catscratch

Once in while (wink, wink) I’ll hear, see or read something that just gets my panties all in a wad.
I have several ‘sore subjects’, but the one that makes gets my dander up more than anything is the fat people of the world looking for something to blame it on. PLEASE.

As one who has struggled for just shy of one year to lose damn near 70 pounds, I can tell ya this:

~ No, fat is not genetic
~ No, you don’t have big bones
~ No, you can’t lose weight by starving yourself or taking pills.

Fat people are fat because they have not made the decision to motivate and get moving.
There is no miracle pill that you can take to make fat melt. There is no miracle cream that you can rub on your thighs and make them magically disappear into thin air.
Short of surgery, which is an extremely ill idea to begin with, there is only one answer to the timeless question asked of the rolly-polly types:
I wonder how I can lose this weight.

Here’s a few pointers (from the master, herself):

1. Step away from the donut. The donut is evil. The donut will find it’s way down your throat and into your guts, where it will then be disbursed and particles of that donut will live in your hips and double chin forever.
Other foods that should be in diet hell are: snicker bars, cheesecake, lasagna, loaded potato soup, all mexican food

2. Taco Bell has always been my weakness. However, one day whilst in a bored situation, I was reading what actually goes into some fast food food. EEEWWWWW.
If the fact that most fast food is swimming in grease, lard, oil or someother non-digestable mess isn’t enough to keep you out of the french fries, then go one night around 10 and watch the fry guy at McDonald’s empty that big vat of yack that they fry everything in.
MMMMMM< MMMMM< Good, I tell ya. Makes me wanna spew.

3. Starvation. Um, if you don’t give your body something healthy to eat, it’s wired up to know that your dumb ass is trying to starve it. Ask me, what’s my body gonna do if I don’t eat???
Your body is gonna hold on to every single nasty, blobby little molecule of cellulose that it can. You will not lose anything if you starve because your body will be freaking out thinking it’s never going to get to eat again, so it holds onto what it already has. One must eat to lose weight, funny huh?

4. Get your fat ass on a treadmill!! My fat ass started out doing 15 minutes at 1.5 miles an hour on the treadmill. And amazingly, what those dang nutritionists and exercise therapists have been saying all along was true. YOU GOTTA DO BOTH DIET AND EXERCISE!!!!
You can’t sit around and be a slug. Get off your butt and walk around a little amigo. Your body will thank you for it.

So, I guess the bottom line is, you’re only fat if you choose to be fat. I’m a sport, I can admit it, I’m still a little fluffy around certain sections. But I’ve learned that I can’t blame anyone but me for letting me get out of control. I was a scale tipper, and its a battle everyday.
This is why it chaps my ass to hear all this bull-caca about fat being genetic and fat being a disease…
I stand here today, calling BULLshit, DEFCON 5!