Warning, warning…. The end of this here post isn’t exactly family friendly, and hell, it may even be offensive. But, it was all in fun.
So, this weekend past was spent mostly in the truck ridin’ shotgun with Big T.
We put 383.6 miles on the odometer, but oddly we went nowhere. Amazing. We went in a couple of big fat circles but had a friggin ball along the way. This would be a map of East Tennessee. I am Sucky McDucky when it comes to photoshop/paint… so the black lines are the way of the travels. Yes, they do cross one another several times as we seemed to keep going in circles.
1st stop. Greasy Spoon. We started out having breakfast at Sam’s Restaurant. It’s a greasy spoon, but damn, it’s sooo tasty. I had pancakes and home fries. Gotta love that nasty, greasy home cookin, as it’s the perfect cure for a hangover when taken with enough Motrin.
2nd stop. The Flea Market. From Sam’s, we head north, to an old time flea market in BFE (a.k.a. Tazewell, TN). It’s actually pretty cool though. It’s a real flea market with other people’s crap that they’re trying to sell, not some bunch of new, stolen goods. You know, the kind of stuff that might be one person’s crap, but another person’s treasure. Anyway, I found no treasures, but I did see an old dude peddling chickens and a goat.
This stop proves the fact that you can take city into the country and city will work to blend in. But you can’t guarantee city won’t flip out at a chicken chasing her around a muddy flea market.
3rd stop. Big T’s Mama House There are two things I’m sure of in this life:
1. Greasy spoon food doesn’t take long to turn your average folks into fart producing machines.
2. Big T won’t shit anywhere but home.
With those facts in mind, and the fact that the fart war (which had been called a truce) was back on made this stop a necessity. Now, I’m a girl, and most of our route this day was back-woods, Deliverance Country, but if I need to go take a shit… trust me here, I’ll pull over grab some napkins, find a tree and leave the kids in the woods.
Anyhoo, that’s another story all together. And he had to go, so his Mom’s house was violated with the stench of something evil… then we ran. Fast… His dad called and tried to give gastro advice as it smelled the house up and made his daddy fightin mad.
4th stop. Burger King, Oneida, TN. Nothing of consequence happened here, he just wanted to get out of the truck because I kept fartin, on purpose. Yes friends and neighbors, the war is back on and I’m so far ahead that I could quit now and he’d never catch up.
After Oneida we cut up through Elk Valley (lovely) and Jellico (seriously small town in which my Big T was pushed forth from his Mama’s uterus in a two level house they called a hospital back in the early 60’s). Finally, we wandered back (somehow made a big circle) to LaFollette when I got the bright idea that I wanted to go to AdultWorld.
So, he cuts off the main road, rather than being like any normal, Deliverance fearing individual and says he knows a road that’ll take us back to the interstate almost at that exit.
This was NOT a road. This was a trail. A trail full of mud and rocks and huge crevices.
Kids, I love playing in the mud and 4-wheelin as much as the next girl next door…. but, I wasn’t wearing a good bra that day, as it wasn’t a work day and I could get away with it. I was hangin on to the girls and hoping for the best. Big T kept telling me to hold on… to which I would answer “I am, for fuck sake!!!”. To which he’d reply, “not to your boobs, to the oh shit bar.”
He was probably right, but I refused to let the girls take any abuse.
Stop #5. Adult World, Oneida, TN. Yes kids, we drove around a mountain and back over that mountain to get to the porn capital of the world! This place is very interesting to say the least.
I wanted to take pictures inside, but….
This place has some of the coolest stuff and more XXX DVD’s than one could possible shake a dick stick at.
Some of the toys are officially on my list to give Santa this year… assuming Santa goes to such places.
Some of the toys are officially on the gag me with a wet noodle list. Like this one. And this one reminded me of the Bride of Chucky.
So… in a nutshell, that was our Saturday. Or most of it anyway. We got home around 10pm and finally relaxed a little. The fart war was still officially on, with him gettin in the last blow of the night and waving the blankets.
Final score after the weekend: Diva-18, Big T- 7.
Now SMILE DAMMIT! IT’S MONDAY!