Archive for the Bored out of my friggin mind Category

Pizza & Beer

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, Fat Ass, The Soapbox on December 14, 2010 by catscratch

I’ve spent the last couple of years not writing and gaining weight. Shit happens. 

I’ve done a lot of self-analyzing and a lot of wondering.  It seems like I do that on a daily basis. 

I went under the assumption that when one reaches four/tenths of a century in age, one would have a clue as to who one really is… not…

So, all this means that I’ve figured it out.  You Know You Need To Put Down the Pizza & Beer When…

 1.Your belly juts out farther than your saggin boobs do…

2. You have fat pooches blobbin out in all the wrong places…

3. When you’re sittin on the couch and you’re restin your arms on your gut…

4. you wear leggings you look like a cream puff with legs…

5. there’s a fat roll resting snuggly against your neck & you can’t even think where to start in looking for your cheekbones…

6. you spend your time avoiding Kodak moments but if & when the shutter bug does find you, you run to find something or someone to stand behind…

7. you have to adjust your fat rolls in order to sit any kind of comfortable… and sitting like a lady???  No…

8. you have the desire, but not the breath or energy, to sing a Go-Go’s song on the karaoke anymore…

9. the inkling of a thought of dancing to a song you could dance too even just a few short years ago makes your chest start to hurt…911… hello…

10. you have a whole trunk load of clothes you bought the last time you shrank… only problem is that you gave all your fat clothes away… Doh!

Ghosts, Blondie & Painful Tattoos

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, It's All About MeMeMe Beeeyach! on November 26, 2008 by catscratch

So, we’re moving the office and I officially don’t even have a desk anymore. 

I’m bloggin from the floor of my office and I’m using a MEMEMEMEME today because, hey, I just don’t have time for shit.

Do you like the person you are becoming? Hell Yes! I love me and I like the person I’ve become. I’m bitchy and sarcastic, but really what’s not to love.  

Do you currently find yourself to look cute? YES!  I am adorable!

What do you want for Christmas/ or your next birthday? That list of naughty, naughty trinkets from Adult World.. heh.

Did you ever call anyone “darling”? No.  I’m not Karen Carpenter or Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Did anybody ever call you beautiful? Big T tells me I’m beautiful all the time, but he’s biased and he has to.

Do you consider yourself sexy? Oh, hell yes.  I’m a sexy bitch. Do I make you horny?

Ever seen a ghost? Creepy as it sounds…. crazy as it sounds… I think I have.  In my old house.  I saw him several times.  He was an old dude from way back before electricity and cars and shit.  He’d just walk through the dining room and then be gone. 

A singer/group you thought was cool when you were little? I thought Blondie was BAD ASS!

 

Last item you bought yourself?  FlipFlops, two pair. And dayum, they are adorable! Especially since they were on sale.

If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?   Cato is my favorite store in the whole wide world.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?  I’ll be finishing up this move, going home and cooking Thanksgiving food.  I just want it to be Friday already so I can fall on the couch, watch football and sleep.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?  Just got the new tattoo yesterday.  The black work and shading were done Saturday and the coloring was finished last night… and it’s hurting like a bitch right now. 

Granted, it’s not the best picture, I had to take it with my phone since I suck and haven’t recharged my batteries since the whole male whoring expedition.

Ok, so there ya go.  A little more TMI than ya bargain for.

But hey… when one gets writers block or is going through a boring phase, Mememememes work well.

Now SMILE DAMMIT!

Telemarketers + Boredom = Yusuki Wang

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, friggin hilarious, Lame and stupid crap, Those Damn Solicitors on August 12, 2008 by catscratch

So, we get bombarded with uberous amounts of telemarketing calls every day at the office.

I’m usually not very nice to these poor people.

I know they are just doing their job, but for fuck sake… Go back to school, get a degree and get a real job not bothering the people who already have a real job.

It’s pretty simple.  But…

Some days I’m bored with work, and porn *snicker*,  and Pogo games, and blogging,  so I may entertain a telemarketer for a few minutes if what they say off the bat is interesting enough to make me release the mouse and stop popping the balloons hanging on my monitor.

Mind you, I never know if it’s my boss calling from Germany, so I always, ALWAYS answer the phone in an oh-so-pleasant voice… until I find out who it is.

“Good Morning, how may I help you?” Note how pleasant that is.

“Hello, Ma’am. This is Sherri. I’m calling from Fairfield with a wonderful offer that we thought you may be interested in.”

I say, “Oh, really? What kind of offer do you have there, Sherri?”

Sherri goes on her schpeeeeel now:
“Well, we are calling to offer to individuals who have been pre-qualified in your area, the opportunity to come stay for a week at one of our several resorts, your choice. All you have to do is come and listen to a presentation about the property and take a tour. We do have a small fee to cover taxes and meals, but the stay itself if complimentary. What do you think?”

I decided what the fuck. I’m bored. I’ll play along.

So I say “Can I ask you to hold one sec.” 

I need to get OG to play along.  I run into Olga’s office and tell her the story and she’s all ready to play along. So, I get back on the phone.

I pick the phone back up and start off….
“Thanks, Sherri. I’m glad you held for me, I’d like to consider signing up. I could use a vacation. You said there is no obligation?”

Sherri says, “No. No obligation at all.”

I ask, “How much is this fee you were talking about.”

Sherri says, “Only $275.00 and you can even put it on your Visa or Mastercard.”

I say, “I can put it on a credit card? But I don’t have a credit card. My partner keeps them and she won’t let me charge anything. Let me put her on the phone.”

Olga gets on the phone, “Hello?”

Sherri: “Hi. I’m Sherri from Fairfield.”

Olga: “What is this deal that you have TheDiva so excited about that she wants the credit card right now?”

Sherri goes through her whole schpeeeeel again.

Olga says, “Well, I don’t think we are interested. I do not want to get tied up in a timeshare type deal and I know all about this kind of scam. Since we aren’t married we aren’t qualified for any kind of couple deals or anything.”

Sherri: “Can you put Rhonda back on the phone?”

Olga: “Well, it would be pointless to put her back on the phone since she has no money and no credit cards and since she won’t do anything without my permission. Have a nice day now, ok?”

At least if Sherri was on an hourly wage, she made her money honestly that day.

Other telemarketers that are fun to jerk around are the ones that call occassionally to “check on the make and model of the office copier”.  Their scam is to get you to tell them the make/model of the copier and then they will, in turn, ship you toner that you didn’t want and invoice you.

Then if you don’t pay the invoice they try to send you to collections. 

I have a page from the Xerox catalog.  The most Mac copier you’d ever see.  With ass expensive toner.

 So, I tell them the Xerox copier and they tell me they will go ahead and ship it.  To who’s attention shall they ship?

I always tell them to ship to Yu-Suki Wang.  That way when they try to make us pay for the stock of toner we have just sitting back there, we can deny, deny, deny.  We don’t have that copier, nor do we have an employee by that name.

Come on, folks… it’s all in fun.

******************************************************

On a happy note.  School has FINALLY started back up and those teenagers in my house are officially Seniors!  Go teenagers!  You will be graduated and have the ability to get out and rul the world on  your own like you keep spouting about in less than one  year.  I wish you luck.  If you need me, you’ll be able to reach me through OG, she’ll have a phone number to my secret Catscratch location.

Oh, I’m super dooper excited over here.  My next post will be the BIG 200.

I can’t believe I’ve managed to find so much shit to spew forth about.

Cheerio, people!

Boobs, Bags & Botox

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind, It's All About MeMeMe Beeeyach! on April 12, 2008 by catscratch

Welcome, friends and neighbors to another edition of “Diva’s too damn lazy to blog about anything of substance”.   Today we have a bunch of silly questions jacked from the illustrious realm of MySpace.  FlipFlopMama did this one over there.

Do you sleep in your bra?
Oh hell no.  The girls need to be set FREE!  I mean the poor ladies are like prisoners for how many hours a day??? They must be allowed to be free and hang out on occassion.

 

Do you enjoy drama?
Drama is what is created when people have WAY too much time on their hands.  I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Drama is evil 100%.

Are you a girly girl?
Most of the time.  I love shoes, make up, nail polish, hair product, frilly shirts, flowy skirts, shopping and fruity girly drinks… yada yada yada.

 

Small or big purses?
I am a fan of purses, handbags, clutches, backpacks.

Has anyone touched/smacked your butt ?
Yah.  At the bar.  I acted all offended and pissed off and freaked the poor feller out. He was soooo sorry and he said he’d never ever do that again to any woman.  Then I laughed my ass off that he got so upset because he thought I was all pissed off and about to go Prunella the Postal Worker.

 

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Yes, I surely  have.  And I am so proud of it.  How could I not be?  I drink like a fish, I cuss like a sailor, I smoke, I have road rage, I use alot of hand signals…. 

Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
May I see the menu please??  Yes, for starters I’ll have the lazer hair removal so I’ll never have to shave again.  The liposuction of my belly and thighs and a tummy tuck.  For dessert, let’s see, I’d like a lifetime subscription to Botox parties… Yes, that should about cover it.

 

Do you like your life?
Yep, at least most of the time.  Life is indeed a box of chocolates.  I love most of them, but then you dig in and find that nasty one filled with some kind of mystery gack and you just wanna vomit.

There ya have it.  Another installment of I too friggin lazy to make up something new and original so you have to see my sorry snappy answers to precanned questions.

 

And for those of you who were sucked in by the misleading promise of boobs.  Here ya go.

 

Smile Dammit!

So many surveys, so little time *jeez*

Posted in Bored out of my friggin mind on April 9, 2007 by catscratch

We get these surveys and we all put in canned one liner answers. And honestly, how many times do you have to answer the same question about what color your underwear are or how many times in the last 3 weeks someone else has slept in your bed?
No, I’m not on a high horse. I am one of the most guilty individuals that I know. If I am bored at work or have nothing to do and there is a survey sitting there in the bulletins, it’s like a train wreck. I have to look. And then, before I know it, I am committing a crime against all that is right in the world and tap, tap, tapping my keyboard, filling in the answers.