Good Friends, Red Bras & A Mu-Mu

***********EDIT**********

I’m a dork.  Forgot to insert the picture of the notorious and soon to be famous hug.  *rolls eyes*

I took the time to jack it from Mel’s page, even made mention of it… then… forgot to put it in.

I’ll lay off the good drugs.

Howdy friends and neighbors!  I’m back in the South again for a few days.

So, birthweek plodded along very nicely.  I think I’ll work on making it birth weeks or maybe even birth month in the future.  But, that will take some time to figure out how to work that angle.

The actual birthday started out well with the time zone issue working to my advantage.  I woke up at the crack of dawn.  I made the run from Costa Mesa to Irvine via Pacific Coast Hwy.  A beautiful early sunrise joyride.

The day was actually lovely until I got done working and went back to my shitty rental car to find this tucked nicely into my windsheild. 

Yep, a parking ticket.  My eighth one in 5 years.  Jeez.

So, off I go to find the parking police to get it fixed… this time I actually had a parking permit… but it blew off the dash into the floor when I closed the door…. 

This little gem may or may not cost me $52.00.  Depends on if they decide to have mercy on me.  They will let me know if my contesting the charge worked within 20 days.  Nice.

After that fiasco, the day brightened back up.  It was still only 3:00 and I had until 6:30 to amuse myself before I met with Mel (Alosha) for dinner.  So, I ran down to the beach to ooogle the surfer boys and write in the sand. 

There is no photographic proof that I was ooogling the surfer boys, other than the one burned into my brain.

So, Mel was late… I was already slurping a cold beer when I saw her walk up.  How better to greet a fellow blogger who I was meeting for the first time but than with  “It’s about damn time, girl.”   She was just a few minutes late and it was a cool ice breaker.

We started talking like we’d been friends forever.

The first line of business was drink ordering. 

The second line of business was to recruit our waiter to take pictures of us getting a hug for Mikie. 

I jacked this one from Mel because my pictures made me look like I was wearing a mu-mu.  *shutter*

We shared chips, salsa, guacamole and drinks and totally enjoyed each other’s company until they literally kicked us out of the place so they could close.

It was awesome.   She was exactly as I thought she’d be.  It’s cool when you have a preconceived thought about what someone will be like and then they are exactly like you thought.

I found Mel to be a very deep, extremely well thought and totally together chick.

We giggled some, we talked serious some.

My description of her and our meeting is an injustice to her because she really is all that and then some.

To Mel:  Thanks, girl for making that day bright!  Can’t wait for y’all to come out to visit or to get back out there and do it again!

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Spys, Adult Theaters & Hairy Butt Cracks

I actually had this here post set to post on the 1st of August.  But I suck and I forgot to “publish it for a later date.” 

And I’m rather busy with all of my the duties associated with the new job.

Would be seriously cool to get the title, get the raise and still sit at work and do abso-fucking-looootly nothing.   But, that ain’t happenin.  I actually have to work now and am working on alotting time to go visiting all y’all on a regular basis as we are all so used to me doing.

Anyways, since I have nothing good to talk about… no drinking binges, no wild sex, and nothing new in Huntsville, AL….    I’ll give the top search terms that brought some folks over here last month.

Of course, the highlight of the month, the ass ripping by Ask & Ye Shall Receive, fucked my stats all up as more than 500 people wandered through here that day.   Fortunately, most of the mean ones went away as fast as they came.   And all of us nice, sweet bloggie friends are left here.

Oh, I do have one thing to share.  Since I’m travelling again, I’m getting the chance to meet & greet with some fellow bloggers.  Very exciting.  This means (most likely) that we’ll meet up at a bar, drink ourselves silly, take pictures and blog about it.

Most excellent blog fodder to come.

Ok, so here ya go, the search terms of August.

Jefferey Donovan.  This was the one who led all the swooning girls over here to see him shirtless.  And who I am not to give the masses what they want…. Yah, the tag Jefferey Donovan got lots of clicks.  But I just like looking at him.  So, to amuze myself, let’s have another picture of my favorite spy. K?

Weeds.  Yah, baby.  I’m hooked.  It’s like crack.  An addiction that I’ll not easily kick.  I rush home to do dinner, clean the kitchen, bitch at the kids, shoot Big T dirty looks and be done by 10:00 on Monday night for my fix.  If you  haven’t seen it, I highly suggest.

Porn.  I can only assume that since I labeled the post about Tommy Lee and Pamela with porn that it attracted some folks looking for naughty, naughty.  All I can say is, not here friend.  I’m not married to a porn king.  I’m lucky to get some quarterly.

Animal Porn.   Nice.  Of course this one is my own fault as I used it in a Happy Humpday  post title.  I should have known the nutjobs out there would actually look for something like that.   Scary.

Inside Adult Theaters.  As hard as I tried…. I failed to find a picture of the inside of an adult theater.  There’s some pretty vile stuff on Google images when you google something of this nature. 

Next was Fat Bum.  Now I’m not so sure if those people were searching for this kind of fat bum… butt here’s what they got.

Pulp Fiction Gimp.  It’s not my favorite movie because of the gimp.  Its Vincent and Jules.   But, it takes all kinds to run this world, so here’s the gimp.

And lastly but not leastly, because if I don’t stop somewhere, we’ll end up with a mile long post, I present to you Hairy Butt Crack.  I like butts.  I really do.  But hairy butts just aren’t sexy to me.   

Yah, morality just went right out the damn window.

 Sometimes I think maybe I should change my blog to house less vulgarity, less cussing, less talking about sex, less talking about drinkin cold beer (and/or other tasty beverages)….

Then I snap out of it and figure if I wasn’t a vulgar, cursing, sex starved, drunk…  I wouldn’t be any fun.

Give Me Stages, Gnarley Sex & Bling Bling

No wonder he’s afraid of me… but I’ll get to that in a minute.

It’s Friday.  I didn’t sleep well last night and I think I have a tinge of a hangover.  As such, I’m pulling in this morning with a lazy as hell post.  🙂   

You know what that means… YES!  A meme.  The lazy girls way to post without really thinking.  I LOVE THIS CONCEPT on days like this.

Plus Random Chick is threatening to puke all over me if I don’t do this, so I’m doing it as I plan to go drinking with her sometime soon and I don’t want any accidents.

This time my friend has found a fun little ditty to go in search of what I might need.  I am to search on Google. 

Anyway, I’m sitting here looking over what Google thinks I need, and it’s not too far off, but the two things I’d love to confirm that I need aren’t there, dammit.

Sex and beer.  Oh well.

1.  Diva needs her stage.  Not so far off… and very, very true.  I am a karateoke queen and I am never happier than when I have a cold beer in one hand and a microphone in the other. 

2. Diva needs no translator.  This is not true.  I speak only bad words and vulgarities in the Espanol and even less German.   

3. Diva needs a home, a forever home.  Well, shit.  I thought I had a forever home.  Do the almighty Google gods know something I don’t know????

4. Diva needs a little more razzle-dazzle.  This is something else I thought I had plenty of.  I mean, who would think with a name like Diva that I would lack anything, especially razzle-dazzle.  Can somebody please send me some?  I feel nekkid over here.

5. Diva needs suggestions for her fan fics.  Yah. Can somebody tell me WTF a fan fic is??  I mean blog suggestions from my blogger fans is one thing, but fan fics?

6.  Diva needs to fight back.  DAMN STRAIGHT… but who and what am I fighting back. It’s a well known fact that I am, in fact, a lover not a fighter.

7.  Diva needs your good thoughts.  Yes, I would much appreciate your good thoughts and love vibes to come through to me.  I’m in a trying time in my life right now as I fight the urge to duct tape my family and closet them and run away from home before they are able to free themselves and find me.  Thanks in advance for your support.

8. Diva needs both Cool Ranch Doritos and WOW! Doritos to satisfy her crunchy cravings.  Way, way off here.  If I get the craving for something other than sex, it’s gonna be plain old tortilla chips and salsa.

9. Diva, who needs to relax and unwind…  No shit!  That one should have been right below the one about the stage.  I need a nice bottle of wine and a whirlpool bubble bath with the jets bubblin on light speed. Calgon!!!! Take me away, baby!!!!!

10.  Diva needs a place where she can go and get away from it all.  I’m thinking a secluded beach in St. Martin or one of the other lil gems.  Maybe on a Mediterranean cruise.  Sipping wine and watching the coast line slowly pass by?  House boat in the middle of Norris Lake… oh yah, babe. Let me know your suggestions of places to go and get away from it all. 

No taggy taggy here.  Snatch it if ya want.  It’s kinda fun and different to do. I highly suggest.

Next.  Trooper Thorn, one of my newest friends here on Blogger’s Lane, has bestowed on me some bling-bling and I’m totally blushing.  He lives at Dogs and Jeans in case you have the urge to blog stalk him. 

Anyway, why, you ask, did such a sweet man give me such an award??  I’m almost ashamed to say…. So, I’ll quote him, much easier that way:

“Cat Scratch of Ranting Diva. Any woman who feels comfortable writing ‘fuck’ so often and always in the right context is someone I want to read. Plus I’m a little afraid of her.”

Ok, so he’s right.  I say fuck alot.   I do cuss like a sailor.  A bad quality, but it makes my thoughts so damn colorful, don’t you think?

 

What really got me is that he’s a little afraid of me???  What??? 

Oh Thorn, I’m a lover not a fighter.  I don’t kick or sucker punch.  I only bite and scratch during certain situations, and then it’s only if it’s concentual.   Don’t be scared.  Hang around, and you’ll see I’m more meow thatn scratch.

Anyway, I graciously accept and thank Thorn for being my blog pal!  I’ll pass it along over the weekend when I have less of a hangover and am more able to properly pimp the blogs of my nominees.

To each and every one of you, I wish a good weekend, great eats, cold beer & outrageously good sex!

Thievin, Pee Sticks & VOLUNTEERS BABY

So, July is over.   Kissin it goodbye & biddin it a fond farewell.

This has been the shittiest month of my short existence.

But, who am I to bitch?

And since I’m a copy catscratch, and Tinkof Pickled Beef always does a cutsie little end of the month wrap up.

Yah, I’m stealing another excellent blogger’s ideas again because I’m unoriginal and thieving is so under-rated.

So, here’s my July Blog crap…

There were 2,566 clickies here this month…   Unreal.

My bestest day was July 30th.  Yesterday, a whole 169 clickied.

Folks must love when I start bitchin.

Some of the stuff that the sick people who did odd searches this month looked for but found me were:

Jeffrey Donvan shirtless…..

Gluttony naked…. *shiver*…

Norwegian Descent Sperm

Fat Girl On A Crotch Rocket

Anyhoos, onward and upward.

Kissin summer staycations goodbye.  The kiddies will soon be back in school.

Thank God.

Know what that means?????

Oh yah Babe!  FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!

My most favoritist commercials in the now.

Our first commercial is one that gives me flashbacks to the day of Rollie Boogie Queen.

I know, I know… but it was cool 2 decades ago, k?

So, that WaMu commercial with the nerdy looking oriental fella?  Seen it?

Anyway, the WaMu dude is telling all the perks and the nerd like dazes out imagining his reign as Roller Dude Aficionado.

Oh. My. Lord.

He’s so awesome.  Mad Roller Skillz.

Precious.

Next, you’ve seen one pregnancy test commercial, you’ve seen ’em all, right?

Wrong.

Most pregnancy test commercials show one of two scenarios.

1.  A chick sitting there looking at her watch, waiting on the results, hoping to be pregnant.

2. A chick sitting there looking at her watch, waiting on the results, hoping not to be pregnant.

Basically, what else is there?

“Its the most advanced peice of technology you will EVER pee on.”…

Now we know.

Wanna meet some more of my friends on Blogger’s Lane??  Good.  Here they are:

Random Chick.  One day will be my drinkin buddy in real life.  We’ll get kicked out of all the good bars.

Inner Voices. Cusses alot and likes to blow things up.  Excellent qualities.

Queen Goob. Claims to know interesting things to do with duct tape and beer.  We’ll see.

Wasabi Peas, Loud Farts & Sperm

First – I just know you wanna see a picture of Big T’s knee after the knee replacement.  He’s up.  He’s walking.  And he’s as annoying as ever.  So, basically, he’s just fine and will only get better.

But for you sick individuals who love blood and surgical scars… here ya go.

Yuckie, huh….

Evil Twins Wife bestowed upon me the coolest lil ditty I’ve seen out there for a long, long time.

Now I’d seen it floating around various bloggies on the internetz, but didn’t think I was one of those kids who is cool enough to get it.

Honestly, I had aspirations to go and snatch it off of somebody else’s blog and just post it.  BUT, that ain’t cool.

My nephew has always told me… “Auntie… patience, patience wins the race.”

And I always wanted to smack the shit out of him for it, but he’s cute, so I didn’t.

Turns out this time he was right.  I win the race.  ETW seems to thinks I’m “funny as hell”.

That said, I say THANK YOU!  You should click go visit her cuz she’s Domestic Godess Numero Uno!

I shall pass this treasure on to five….  So, y’all come ‘n get it….

Steve – Rainbows Refect Rays of the Sun – This dude’s poetry is amazing and it makes me all warm and fuzzy when I need it and it makes me dark and sad when I need it.  He gots a gift.

Groovy Mom – Now is Good – Adorable, karaoke bar fly.  Just adorable.

Mikie – Tongue in Check – Shoot from the hip, all out sarcasm.  And lots of tits and ass.

#1 & #2 – Holy Crappers.  Beer.  Need I say more.  Beeeeeer.

Random Chick – Confessions of a Random Chick – Ok. So, she already has this award.  But it’s supposed to be passed to them folks that inspire and make one think.  She makes me think about pee and drinkin and crashing parties and drinking and other fun things.  Besides that, she’s one of my best bloggin chums.

Now the fun part.   As if you’re not getting a laugh a minute up in here…. THE MEME… cuz everybody who comes by should know by default….. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME BITCH!

Yah yah... the rules.
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you (That would be Evil Twins Wife)

2. Mention the rules on your blog (This is them!)

3. Tell about 5 unspectacular quirks of yours… 

4. Tag 5 following bloggers by linking them… (totally optional here kids)

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

And here they are in no particular order.

A- The thought of sperm makes me wanna yack.  It’s just EEEEEWWWWWW.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love penis, but keep that thing away from my eyesight when it unloads.  Know what I mean?

B- I am a lover of cold beer and wasabi peas.  I highly suggest.

C- You’ll love this.  I’m a fart master.  I know, I know.  Your image of me as a lovely, well mannered lady is now officially just a stench in the wind.  They are loud, but not stinky.  It’s a way to get attention when ya need to make a toast or an announcement, like tapping your wine glass with a little spoon.

D- I carry my camera everywhere.  It’s always either in my car or in my purse.  I mean seriously, you never know when somebody might do something that you can hold over them forever if you catch it digitally.

E- I’m addicted to school.  Yes, at nearly 40, I’m going for another degree.  Why not.  I have nothing else to do but drink and smoke and be vulgar.  I guess it’s a way to focus my energy for good rather than evil.

So, there ya have it.  Enlightened?  I think so.

I don’t tag.  But if you decide to spill some nasty shit about yourself, please do let me know.  I love those disgusting little tidbits that shape us into individuals.

Tickle Racks, Butt Cracks & Pot Brownies

Oh, don’t ya just love that post title? 

Promises of the good stuff within….

Actually, those are a few of the search terms that brought folks over to check out my little part of the play yard.

Tickle Racks.  Anybody know what the hell a tickle rack is?  Well, I googled it and it went to some porn site… lucky me.  Jack’s Rack – Tickle Theater – Adult Tickling Community.

Greaaat. Some tickle happy pervert is stalking me now.

Old Lady Cat Fights.  That’s awesome.  I’m assuming since I talk about catfights and I talk about how old ladies drive, that the search thing got confused.

 

That last picture looks a little bit set up.  Me thinks it’s more like fore play or something.

 

Butt Cracks on the Beach. 

Pot Brownies.  Now I know how that possibly turned up on a search.  I was ranting one day about how cool Slick Willy Clinton would be as First Lady.  And how he’d always be throwin keggers and baking Pot Brownies. 

 

Bad Tans.  I can only assume this one popped up from when I went on a rant about that crazy chick at the tanning bed saying tan fat is prettier than white fat. 

There ya have it.  That’s it for How They Got Here.

Boobie Links, Banners & Blingies

Well, I’ve been on the road, plane, train…. way too much lately.

And I’ve lagged in offering my BIG ASS heartfelt thanks and appreciation to all y’all who make blogging such a damn fine thing to do with my spare time!

So, without further ado….

Last Monday, Pimp Daddy Sage, well, he went and Pimped My Bloggie!  Why??   Cuz that’s the way he rolls.  Either that or he’s hooked on me cuz he thinks he’s gonna eventually catch a good glimpse of my rack.

He’s an opinionated and rather sexy fella with a legion of women followers.  Like Yoda, maybe? 

Anyhoos, SAGE, thank you, my friend for the pimp and the friendship over the last several months!

You rock, you sexy beast!

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Along the lines of boobage, Snarkalicious held a Boob-A-Thon to raise money for her friend Jules who did the Chicago 3-Day 60-mile walk.  She donated $2 for every rack she collected a picture of.

Well, between her, Sage and Rob, they collected $300!   And I won a Breast Cancer Awareness Car Magnet.

Now, she didn’t have to give me a damn thing.  She posted boobies!

You go girl!  That was an awesome thing you did!

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I honestly can’t remember how, but one day, not so long ago, I stumbled into Bittersweet Confusion’s world. 

She’s city.  I’m not so much.  She’s from NYC.  I’m from Podunker, TN.

However, the fact that we’re opposites and the fact that she cracks me up keep me running over there.

Anyways, yesterday, I’m sitting at work writing a blog working, and I get the a sweet little gift via email from sweetie pie.   My new banner up there is the artful creation of Bittersweet herself.

Now, I couldn’t make the damn thing fit right, so it doesn’t look as good as I’m sure she intended to….

but it ain’t her fault that my MAD LIFE SKILLS are not in the area of anything technological.

So, thanks, Bittersweet!  I LOVES IT!  I feels loved and special and that, my friends, is a great way to be!

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Last week, I asked what people thought about yours truly, in an effort to slap together an upcoming post.

Random Chick not only told me I was cool, but gived me an official seal to prove it!

She says she likes my post titles and I’ve got her believing I’m an asskicker… heh.

Thanks, lil Mama!  When I get blings, I feel like one of them cool kids on the back of the bus!

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 So, thanks boys and girls… Every single person who I visit everyday and who pops by here makes my day!

Now I gotta got pee.