Archive for the Asshats Category

Thunder Storms, Bad Color and Lesbian Haircuts

Posted in Asshats, Barbie is a slut, Big T, Here's Some Philosophy on June 23, 2011 by catscratch

Well, after all the build… not a damn thing noteworthy happened at work today.

Not one phone call… but I’m sure the voicemail is jam packed with griping bitchery.  There was a helluva storm in the greater metro area last night and it appears Comcast can’t get it together fast enough to get everything up and running again. 

Phones by Comcast.  Internetz by Comcast.  So, I had a very productive day today not having to listen to people on the phone telling me why their homeowners dues are late and how they mailed their payment already and it must be lost somewhere since the post office just doesn’t give a crap and how the damn lawn care people haven’t come and trimmed their already well manicured shrubbery…   So, tomorrow will be a scary day in management land, but today… today was pretty good.

Anyway, over the last weekend, I went to the beauty supply place and got a gallon of bleach and went to town doing my roots since  God didn’t see fit to let my hair stay as blonde as it was when I was a young’n.   I’ve been doing this routine for years.  Color and trim my own hair.  And for years and years, I was actually good at it.

Until this time.

First, I left the toxic goo on my mop way too long and frizzled the ends of it. So, it needed to be trimmed.  So, I got the scissors and started to trim it.  All was going well.  Dead ends were flyin. 

Then it happened…. I slipped. 

No, not just a little gap.  A full two inches of my fried locks fell to the floor.  I stood there and tried to objectively assess the damage.  But, there was no salvaging it.  It had to be chopped off.

During this few minutes, I saw the last two years of growing this mess out, flash before my eyes.  Two years of babying, pampering, trimming… all gone with one bad pass of the scissors. Dayum.

Now, I was starting to feel my neck turn red and my pulse in my neck was busting.   I think I even felt my eye twitch.

As it turned out, I had to cut the sides so short (the back has always stayed short) that I look either like a really old lady with bad color or a short lesbian.  I’m still trying to determine which…  Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no qualms with any chick that digs the girl on girl relationship.  I have lesbian family members and a variety of gay friends… so I’m totally not knocking anybody.

My problem with the lesbian scenario is that the cut isn’t saying I’m not a cute little lipstick lesbian.  I don’t have cutsie poo poo Barbie hair anymore.  Rather, due to the two toned stark contrast in color, I look butch.  Big T has taken to calling me Butch as a pet name.  He thinks all of this is freakin hilarious. 

My boss, texted her gay hairdresser and begged him for an appointment.  She told him she couldn’t take it anymore.  She told him she stops in front of my office and laughs.  Cold. Cold. Cold.

So, you see why I’m so upset over this whole hair thing.

Anyway, the hairdresser texts her back and I’m supposed to have my butt in his chair, on the clock, paid for by the company as a bonus treat.  I suppose that could be considered silver lining… bonus hair cut and color done by a gay guy.  If you’ve never had your locks fondled by a gay hairdresser, let me tell ya something… you have no idea what you’re missing.

Hopefully, this will solve all of my hair-do-don’ts.



Frustrations on the Home Front

Posted in Asshats, Diva's Bitchin, Here's Some Philosophy, Lame and stupid crap, life in my house, Nasty Filthy Places, Those People I Live With on April 9, 2011 by catscratch

Since the last big bit of crap I got for my sarcasm and anxt, I have been pretty much keeping my opinion and complaints about life to myself…

Sometimes, venting (even if it’s just to blow off steam and really means nothing to anyone but me) can backfire… literally.

Whatever.  I’m just as full of sarcasm and anxt and pretty much miserable with life in this house.  All I can say is choose carefully before you make a big, fat, wrong life choice like getting married. 

I mean there are ALOT of factors involved in compatibility, and people should really pay attention to those factors.  Unlike yours truly.


I can’t tolerate his daughter.  She is horrible.  She won’t work and try to support herself.  She moves out. She moves back in. She moves out. She moves back in.  She steals from us, and when I say steal, she wiped him out.  She lies and denies.  She’s lazy. 

And at this point, toleration isn’t anything I can make myself feel.  I look over at her and I get angry.  I hear her voice and I cringe.  I see her eating and it makes me sick.  That’s all the girl does is eat, sit, sleep and run the roads.  God forbid she get a job.  God forbid she try to buy her own shampoo, soap, hair dryer. 

Why work when Daddy will keep letting her go in my room and use my things.


When me & Big T were just dating, he played himself to be a real family man.  He played himself off as someone who enjoys being around friends and interacting with people.  Yah, not so much. 

It is so easy for someone to fake someone else out when they aren’t together 24/7.  This man doesn’t do anything.  Nothing.  He sits on the couch and smokes cigarettes. 

Chain smoker.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I smoke.  But it’s a pack every couple of days. Sometimes less.  This man goes through a carton of smokes in three or four days.  He’s not the healthiest person to begin with, but at this point, his health is his problem.  He doesn’t care, why should I?  But, my house SMELLS SO BAD.  And it’s impossible to get the stink out.   

He is lazy as his daughter and son.  He sits all day and the stupid dogs, which nobody wants to take out when I’m not home, apparently pee somewhere in this house.  I don’t see it, but I can smell it and it disgusts me.

I’m a neat freak and there is no way for me to live the way I want to in this house.  I work 55 or more hours a week.  None of these people that live in this house work.. or do house work.  I come home to dirty dishes pile high in the sink.  I come home to cook after I clean the kitchen and then I clean it again.  I have to dust and vacuum.  I have to scrub the toilets.  God forbid any of them do anything around here.

SEX – What the hell is that?  After four years of marriage, I do believe I could be certified as a re-confirmed virgin, and that my friends isn’t by choice.

What to do??

Scorched Dicks, Resignations &Pink Collars

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Asshats, Why I Love My Job on December 6, 2008 by catscratch

In keeping with my Pitty Party attitude, I’d like to compose a list of people who’s laps I’d love to accidentally spill a nice cup of hot tea in.

#1 –  The asshat who went and changed wordpress.

WTF??  It was working just fine.

I knew where all the little buttons were.

It took me about 30 minutes to figure out how to save a draft and not publish this perfect post before it was full of sarcasm.

#2 – My step-son.

Why??  WHY??  Why is it every damn time I go out of town for a few days…

*that his dishes sit in the sink crusting with burnt, canned chili

*that his room seems to smell more like a kennel than when I left.

*that his chores never seem to get accomplished timely?

#3 – Big T.

Enough moping around already for fuck sake.

Put on your big boy shorts and find something to do.

When you hurt, take a pain pill.  That’s why you have them.

Quit thinking I’m mad at you all the damn time.

I’m not mad at you, I’m just sick of you drag assing around feeling sorry for yourself.

#4 – The dork at Taco Bell who refuses to give me enough friggin mild sauce to make my bean burrito tasty.

#5 – Christmas shoppers at the WalMart who are in a foul ass mood to be Christmas shopping… collectively, the whole tea pot in all their laps.

Do like me, don’t shop for Christmas if it pisses you off so much!

Ok, there are way too many to list.  So, let’s move on.

I spent the last 3 days in Huntsville at a distributor meeting…

I resigned my position as CFO as whoever was doing all the financial bullshit before me was a complete moron and nothing is as it seems… actually it is.

It’s in the shitter and I’m not about to take responsibility for it.

I’ll go back to my cushy little, high paying sales position… travel and eat in tasty places.

So, I still have a job.  Not the same job, but a job none-the-less.

I managed to talk to the Big Guy, my main boss who flew in for a Board Meeting before the meeting so he’d not be blind-sided and pissed.

The Board Meeting in which I was set to resign…  he had to know.

I told him in theory there is a big fucking difference in a bookkeeper and an accountant… and I just ain’t no accountant.

I can’t do magic with numbers…

unless it’s spending money… I can make that shit disappear.

Anyway… I ended up with a sweet chunk of real estate for my territory.

Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, North & South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Arkansas.

Yah.  I’ll be a tired bitch from all the road rage in my future.

So, in a nutshell (too late), this week saw one job (the job I loved dearly) disappear, open up to me a new job.  And I only took a $700 a year cut in pay.

Go. Me.

The Redneck turned White Collar (albeit temporarily) is back to the Redneck.

I think I’ll call it Pink Collar.

I’ll be around to give wet, slobbery love to all y’all over the weekend!

Tragedy, Love & A Community Coming Together

Posted in Asshats, Community Spirit, East Tennessee on November 7, 2008 by catscratch

Today, I would like to cast some focus on the people of my community.

The greater East Tennessee Community.

I’m not sure if any of you that aren’t local have heard about the tradgedy in Scott County, TN.

On  the roads were wet as young cheerleaders for Scott County High School made their way home from a birthday party for one of the other cheerleaders.

The young girl driving lost control of the vehicle, and went across the line, and collided with an oncoming car.  The accident also claimed the lives of a woman and an unborn child.

The impact on the whole area was monumental.  The whole region grieves with the families of the victims.

The following Friday night, Scott County football team was set to play against Knoxville Catholic High School. 

Rather than the usual color wall that is visible by the wearing of school colors, the student body of Knoxville Catholic wore red, the colors of Scott County to show support to their shaken opponents.

A community came together.

Today, Friday November 7th, the community will come together again to do a “support ride” from I-75 exit 141.  The group will meet at the Pilot Truck Stop and make the journey to Huntsville, TN where Scott County High School is located.

The ride is in protest of a hate group who is planning to be there to bring more sorrow to an already sad situation.  

To my friends and neighbors in Knoxville and the surrounding counties, I am very proud to be from East Tennessee.


UPDATE:  Only three (two women and a kid) showed up at Scott County High School to protest.  The rest of the hate mongers were going to Obama’s grandmother’s funeral to protest.

I will not give the name of the hate group as they don’t deserve any publicity from me.

Serial Killers, Psychopaths & Santa

Posted in Asshats, Halloweenies on October 27, 2008 by catscratch

Yes friends and neighbors…  there is a total correlation between serial killers, psychopaths and the jolly fat man who gets stuck in your chimney.

What is it??  You already know if you are a breathing being that sets foot in Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Walgreens or any of the other retail greed mongers.

Before they even took down the swim suits, scuba googles, sand buckets & beach towels, space was being made for the ungodly display of ugly fake Christmas trees, gift wrap, bows, ornaments, holiday cards and seasonal specials. 

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — On a sunny, 80-degree day last week —more than 15 days before Halloween— Wal-Mart employees in Newport News worked to put the finishing touches on their “Christmas Shop.”

Believe it or not, the Holiday Shop at our local Wallyworld started going up even before the halloween costumes and candy.

What happened to the days of Christmas shopping season starting officially on the day after Thanksgiving?????

WEST PALM BEACH, FL — It’s still three weeks before halloween, but one local pharmacy already has the Christmas decorations up to entice shoppers.

Makes going into one of these store with the sole purpose of getting Lil T a halloween costume and getting out of there without a “I want” fit from the boy impossible… 

Because of the stupid walls of toys and shit they have out to jump start the Christmas shopping season.

I’ve been threatening to HUMBUG Christmas for the past three years and have caved at the last minute…   for this exact reason…

The greedy corporate asshats who start the holidays waaaaay before it’s even fall.

In October, the only thing I want to see when I walk into a store is a happy variety of tailgating crap and halloween masks to scare the neighborhood kiddies with.

What do y’all think about it?  Does it annoy you that Christmas shopping season keeps getting shoved in your face earlier and earlier every year?

Load Shooters, Holy Rollers & Breast Milk Recipes

Posted in Asshats, Lame and stupid crap, sex on October 23, 2008 by catscratch

These goodies were found in Knoxville’sMetroPulse and were originally written by Chuck Shepherd with some sarcasm and commentary by yours truly here and there.

Although I claim to be a kleptomaniac (pens, lighters, staplers…), plagiarism isn’t my forte. 


Drive-by Fireworking

A 30-year-old man appears to be the most recent person to attempt to throw burning fireworks at a target while travelling in a car, but having the toss fail to clear the window and thus explode inside the car.  He was hospitalized.

Not my Weed, Dude!

Two 18-year-old men spotted police approaching their trailer park home in Salina, Kansas.  They panicked, and tossed illegal drugs out the window.  However, the police were there to originally to serve warrants on a neighbor and saw the drugs fly out the window.  The men were arrested.

Damn the luck.  I suppose if I had me a dime bag of smoke, I’d be all panick stricken too. NOT.  From what I understand it wasn’t enough for a charge of possession with intent to sell.  And they say pot doesn’t make a body paranoid.

The Dude Shot a Load.

Police in Ft. Meyers, Florida, said Jonathan Guabello got angry that his girlfriend had denied him sex when they returned home from bar hopping one night.    So, he left the room, shot himself twice in the arm, fell down and hit his head.  He knocked himself out.

Note to dear Jonathan….  What the hell were ya thinkin shooting yourself in the arm?  I mean, before you went stupid at least you had the opportunity for a dynamic solo performance.

Come On Baby, Light My Fire!

Another asshat was frustrated when his girlfriend kept falling asleep one night during sex.  He retaliated by attempting to set her van on fire.  Then he was promptly arrested.

Nothing turns me on more than a man who will torch my vehicle over sex.  Wait.  I actually think I might just be that frustrated.  Anybody got a match?

Can I Get an Amen??

Atlanta Pentecostal preacher, who has been divorced not once but twice, Thomas Meeks, said that he was talking about making himself the star in a  new reality show, “Holy Hook-Up: Who Will Be the Next Mrs. Meeks?”

There is no way in hell (or heaven) that I would hook up with a tainted preacher.  I mean, the man appears to go through women like kleenex.  No way.

Scattered, Smothered, Covered and Dunked!

The Storchen restaurant in Switzerland plans to introduce entrees cooked in
women’s breast milk.

There are no words.

Fat Rolls, Butt Cracks & Saddle Bags

Posted in Asshats, Gaggery, Lame and stupid crap on September 5, 2008 by catscratch


SLICK, , I swear the first cold beer (in about 3 hours) will be popped open and a toast will be offered up in your honor.  You, my friend, are a hard workin man. 

I have muddled (heh, muddled what a word) my way through my first week being Master of the Financial universe.  Kudos to me.  I’m not shy, I can say it.

I didn’t manage to get everything on my LIST OF SHIT TO DO list done… but that’s why there’s always a next week, and a week after that, and a week after that.

On the downside, my poor blog (for what it’s worth) has suffered as well as my insatiable habit of stalking all of the blogs I stalk on a daily basis.

What did I miss while I was M.I.A. ??

Random Chick had a pity party and I missed it.  Dammit.   Mike went on a hunt for Palin Porn.  Trukindog dedicated a song to me.   Chuck came out of hiding. 

But, I think I’m close to catching up.  Go me!

Today, I’d like to post about folks who really need to rethink their fashion… or lack thereof. 

 First up.  The unhidden bra.   If you plan to wear a cute little sundress, please have the tits to hold it up without sharing your bra with us.  I actually thought the little dress was cute for hanging at the lake, a weekend BBQ or making a run to the WalMart.  But, come on. 

The muffin top.    We all know I’m no Barbie Doll.  So, these are rules I abide to myself.  If you have a set of saddle bags, keep them covered with either a shirt that fits or pants that aren’t low-rise.

Farmer Joe Suspenders.  Please put on a shirt, sir.  You’re scaring my kids.

 If you have as extremely noticable cellulite and/or rolling thunder thighs, please do not advertise yourself with writing across your ass.  It should be one word. Not two.

Generally only gym wenches (you know who you are) and teenagers can get away with this.

Again, we go back to the bra issue.  Only this time somebody might consider slinging the girls into one rather than letting the drag. I suggest a trip to Lane Bryant.  They have wonderfully sexy bras for girls that aren’t a size 5.

 Also, I note the spillage over the top of the shorts.    What can we learn here?  If you can’t fit what you got into the size you’ve picked, then you’ve picked the wrong size. 

Please don’t wear dark or bright colored panties, and avoid the monkey printerd panties for that matter, if you should decide to wear an ensemble of white.


This is never really that sexy.  Please note that I bitch about the boys running around with the boxers hanging out the top… same goes here.  Get undies that fit or bigger pants.

If there’s too much to fit, don’t wear it. 

I, however, do find this amuzing.  If I found it out somewhere I would add it to my daughter’s wardrobe for weekend wear in a heartbeat!

 Have a wonderific weekend!



A Shitty Review, Karaoke & Bad Ass Bitches

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Asshats, It's All About MeMeMe Beeeyach!, karaoke, Lame and stupid crap, music on August 26, 2008 by catscratch

So, I got a shitty review.  Big fucking deal, eh?

Apparently, I am not worthy of this space on the Internet and there is a huge following over at Ask & Ye Shall Receive who agree.

I really hope everyone who comes here, who I consider blog friends/family, realize that when I’m saying stupid things about my friends or family, that it’s all in fun and that I mean no harm.

I know I’m a good wife, mother and friend.  My little feelings are just hurt.

Sure, I submitted my bullshit for a review.  A REVIEW… not a feast for a bunch of blood hungry fucking vultures.  But hey, ya get what ya pay for.   I got exactly jackshit.  A bunch of no life asshats sitting over there shooting out insults and calling names.

Eh, whatever.  To my new friends at Ask & Ye Shall Receive



I’m a karaoke junkie.   Started by accident really.

Across the street from hell my employer at that time, I go to BullFeathers… found it interesting to see and hear all the folks trying to sing a song.

It was a few weeks before I’d gathered up the nerve to eek out a song.

I sang Manic Monday by the Bangles. And I sucked big time!

But, drunks love karaoke and don’t make fun of anybody.  They just cheer louder when ya suck.

I was almost as bad as Cameron Diaz when in My Best Friend’s Wedding.

I told my Dad that I was having a blast and that he should come out and play too.

For anybody wondering why they call me Diva… it’s all my Dad’s fault.  He started it and it caught on.

He went out and bought me a home karaoke machine after that. Go Dad!

I tried to sing me some country. Um, let’s just go with NOT.  I was told I haven’t got enough ‘twang’ in my voice to sing any kind of country. Thank God!!! Diva don’t got no twang!!!!
Scratch country.

So, it’s the elevator/coffee shop stuff I’ve found I’m pretty good at.
I can sing the shit out of Fleetwood Mac. Diva Nix over here.
Love Norah Jones and any kind of oldie but goodie.

This is my speed:

stevie nicks

But sometimes, I’d love to have a little more of a brazen streak. I want to belt out something that only a bad-ass-chick would do.

Janis Joplin belts out Bobby McGee.


Joan Jett embraces her nasty girl side with Do Ya Wanna Touch.

joan jett

And Heart whips the shit out of Magic Man.


Not that I’m knocking my easy listening and soft rock talent, but…

Why can’t I be a bad-ass??

BBQ, Parmesan & Fire Sauce

Posted in Asshats, Diva's Bitchin, Lame and stupid crap, sucky customer service, The Soapbox, you are a psycho on August 14, 2008 by catscratch

What in the hell is with the people who run fast food??? 

I started thinking about how friggin tight that fast food places are with condoms condiments. 

Why would I be thinking of such a frivolous and tedious thing?

Well, today I wandered around this huge mecca that is Oak Ridge, Tennessee in a quest to forage something for lunch.

I was a tad early and was actually out during lunch rush, so every place on my route was totally jam packed and not worth the wait.

I ended up at Chick-Fil-A (one of my most favoritest places and a close runner up to Taco Hell).

Well, I ordered my regular.  Kids Chicken Nugget Meal w/a Large Diet Coke.

This renders just enough deep fried goodness to get me through until I go home and make dinner for the ingrates family.

Anyhoo.  I know that I’m demanding and that it’s alot to ask, but WHY OH WHY must I beg for that one extra little container of BBQ sauce? 

Is it fucking gold? 

I. Think. Not.

I dip my yummy criss-cross fries in it.  I dip the little deep-fried nuggets in it.  Hell, I’d dip my straw in it and drink it.


But, the old broad who is the guardian of the sauce packets was hoarding them.

Old Broad:  “Any sauces today?”

Me:  “Extra BBQ, please.”  (Note I was being sweet. I said PLEASE).

Old Broad threw 2 in my bag of deep fried goodness and turned around to walk away.

Me:  “Ma’am?  Does 2 mean you gave me one extra?”

Old Broad: “Our policy is 2 sauces for a kids meal.”  She smiled sweetly.

Me:  “Then can I have 2 more?”

Old Broad:  Slings one more in the bag with an annoyed look on her face.

Me:  Standing there staring at her.  At this point it was principle.

Old Broad:  Slung one more in the bag and asked, “Would you like a manager?”

Me:  “No. You finally gave me my sauce.  Have a great desert day.”

Then I started thinking (dangerous).  Taco Hell is greedy, too.  This is true, straight from a manager at Taco Hell… “It’s our policy to give 1 packet of mild, hot or fire sauce per item unless a customer specifically asks for more.”

WTF is up with fast food policies???? 

As much as they charge for a fucking taco nowdays, I should be able to have a case of that shit with every order as our orders are usually huge due to the kids and all of their friends.

Anyways, for spite, after going through drive through and getting an ungodly amount of crap asked for lots of sauce.  I’m talking like 30 tacos and 15 burritos and other random items.  The dude gave us 10 packets.  He counted them out.  Prick.

Did I ask for extra?  Yes. 

Did I get extra?  Fuck no.

So, I decided to be a total bitch (surprising, eh?). 

I parked the car.  Emptied one of the small bags into one of the other bags.   I took the freshly emptied bag and walked into the Taco Hell lobby.   I grabbed every pack of mild sauce that I could shove into that bag and walked out.   The kid at the counter just stood there with his mouth open.So now. At least when I go to Taco Hell, we don’t have to ask for any sauce at all.

Well, until we run out.

Other places that are tightwads:

Fazolis: tight with parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper.

Booger King: totally tight with ketchup.

Harvest Buffet:  totally tight with the fortune cookies… the dicks.

Ever have any fast food annoyances of your own?  Please share.


My daughter sent me this picture of Lil T.  He’s such a friggin ham.

Oh yah.  Go see my picture blog.  I’m shameless when it comes to self promo.

Bouncy, Peppy & Oh So Stooopid

Posted in Asshats, friggin hilarious, Lame and stupid crap, Priceless shit that makes the news on August 7, 2008 by catscratch

It never fails.  I have a lovely post about telemarkers allllll ready to go and then I find something that just can’t wait.

Apparently, it’s Cheer Camp season.  You know, the time of year when a shit pile of mini skanks in training converge to learn how to be more bouncy and peppy and how to get the crowds all worked up.

I don’t say mini skanks in training in a condescending way.  I was once a mini skank in training myself.  I know the drill.  And the fact is, we get smarter, much smarter with age.

Anyway, so, a bunch of goofy girls are at University of Texas for their little Cheer Camp when a light bulb went off right above one of their heads while they were waiting for the evelvator to come get them.

Bright Idea Cheerleader (BIC): “Oh My God!!  You guys! I just had a bright idea!!!”

Pack of follower (POF):  “Do tell!!  Do tell!!!”

BIC- “There are signs everywhere that say only 15 people can fit on this elevator.”

POF-  *crickets*

BIC- “Don’t you get it???  There are 26 of us and I bet we can all fit in on it.”

POF- “OOOHHHH!!!”  Followed by lots of giggles.

The elevator arrives, the doors open and 26 giggling, bouncing cheerleaders prance on.

The doors shut.

The elevator decends to the first floor.   BUT…

The doors won’t open.

BIC- “Oh crap!  We’re stuck.”

POF- *crickets*

BIC- “The doors won’t open cuz there’s too many of us in here!!”

POF- “OOOHHHH!!!” Followed by complete cheerleader panic and fainting.

Anyways, alls well that ends well.  One of those brainiacs thought to call 911 from her cell phone and they were free within a half hour.

Yah.  Those cheerleaders.  Some of the brightest crayons in the box.


Ok, so I’d like to introduce all y’all to a couple more of my friends here on Blogger’s Lane.


Bob– The Essence of Bobness.  He’s just adorable.

Slick– Slick Sumbich.  He makes me look like a choir girl he’s so sarcastic.

MJ– Infomaniac.  Another one who makes me look like a saint.

Vol– TN Vol Fan.  Pics.  Go see ’em.