Archive for the And a big FUCK YOU Category

Scorched Dicks, Resignations &Pink Collars

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Asshats, Why I Love My Job on December 6, 2008 by catscratch

In keeping with my Pitty Party attitude, I’d like to compose a list of people who’s laps I’d love to accidentally spill a nice cup of hot tea in.

#1 –  The asshat who went and changed wordpress.

WTF??  It was working just fine.

I knew where all the little buttons were.

It took me about 30 minutes to figure out how to save a draft and not publish this perfect post before it was full of sarcasm.

#2 – My step-son.

Why??  WHY??  Why is it every damn time I go out of town for a few days…

*that his dishes sit in the sink crusting with burnt, canned chili

*that his room seems to smell more like a kennel than when I left.

*that his chores never seem to get accomplished timely?

#3 – Big T.

Enough moping around already for fuck sake.

Put on your big boy shorts and find something to do.

When you hurt, take a pain pill.  That’s why you have them.

Quit thinking I’m mad at you all the damn time.

I’m not mad at you, I’m just sick of you drag assing around feeling sorry for yourself.

#4 – The dork at Taco Bell who refuses to give me enough friggin mild sauce to make my bean burrito tasty.

#5 – Christmas shoppers at the WalMart who are in a foul ass mood to be Christmas shopping… collectively, the whole tea pot in all their laps.

Do like me, don’t shop for Christmas if it pisses you off so much!

Ok, there are way too many to list.  So, let’s move on.

I spent the last 3 days in Huntsville at a distributor meeting…

I resigned my position as CFO as whoever was doing all the financial bullshit before me was a complete moron and nothing is as it seems… actually it is.

It’s in the shitter and I’m not about to take responsibility for it.

I’ll go back to my cushy little, high paying sales position… travel and eat in tasty places.

So, I still have a job.  Not the same job, but a job none-the-less.

I managed to talk to the Big Guy, my main boss who flew in for a Board Meeting before the meeting so he’d not be blind-sided and pissed.

The Board Meeting in which I was set to resign…  he had to know.

I told him in theory there is a big fucking difference in a bookkeeper and an accountant… and I just ain’t no accountant.

I can’t do magic with numbers…

unless it’s spending money… I can make that shit disappear.

Anyway… I ended up with a sweet chunk of real estate for my territory.

Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, North & South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Arkansas.

Yah.  I’ll be a tired bitch from all the road rage in my future.

So, in a nutshell (too late), this week saw one job (the job I loved dearly) disappear, open up to me a new job.  And I only took a $700 a year cut in pay.

Go. Me.

The Redneck turned White Collar (albeit temporarily) is back to the Redneck.

I think I’ll call it Pink Collar.

I’ll be around to give wet, slobbery love to all y’all over the weekend!

Warning: PMS, Whining & Lots of Bitching

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Diva's Bitchin, life in my house, Miss A on September 19, 2008 by catscratch

I, for one, am stocked that it’s finally Friday.  

I will warn you now, if you proceed through the remainder of this post, I can’t promise that it’s going to be all cottonballs and kittens

In other words, I’ve had a rough month, I’m exhausted and I believe (although it’s early) I have the onset of PMS.  

Aren’t you glad you don’t live with me?  You can be honest, it will only sting a little.

Life lately has left me little time to stop and smell the roses.  

Comparatively, I haven’t had time to shit and fall back in it or fart and smell it either, so it’s not all bad.   I just haven’t had time to write witty, knee slapping, sarcastic shit.  Nor have I had the time to go visiting everybody else’s blogs.  Sucks. 

By the time I get to sit down and actually try to catch up, I’m so behind that I don’t catch up with everybody.  Sucks.  But, I’m working on a system.  A blog reading system.  So, I can keep up with all the good stuff going on around ya’lls places.

I’ve found out that real work is harder than pretending to be busy as hell.  Since taking the “new position”, I’ve been commuting back and forth from Knoxville to Huntsville pretty much on a weekly basis.  That’s kicking my ass. 

Not only do I really have to work now, but I spend alot of my time dodging state troopers in three states as I blaze a firey trail trying to get myself from Point A to Point B and back in a resonable amount of time.

I have managed to figure out where to PO-PO sits and stalks innocent commuters though and slow’er down to a reasonable speed temporarily. 


In other news.  We’ve finally figured out what is making Miss A, my lovely 17 year old daughter, walk like a little old lady  in the geriatric ward and hurt from her hip to her toes in her let.

Herniated disk.  Two of them.  The MRI shows that the disks are squeezing and hating on her sciatic nerve, which is making her unable to walk. 

The poor kid is going through hell between the leg/back issue and the fact that I’ve cut her off from that dead beat, punk ass, piece of shit she calls a boyfriend.   But he’s another whole story all together.  Fucker.

So, now we go to a neurosurgeon next week to see what we can possibly do to fix her.  She is just way too young to be going through all of this pain.


Overall, my home life has been nothing but complete hell for months now. 

Miss A is constantly showing her ass and doing stupid shit.  Granted, I did my fair share of stupid, teenage shit, but DAYUM.  In the last year here are the things she’s pulled (in no particular order:

* Ditched school… (ALOT) which is nuts because I drop her ass off everyday.  

* Smoked weed… which absolutely blew my mind.

* Snuck out in the middle of the night with her friends to see her asshat boyfriend.

* Lied about boyfriend related crap on multiple occassions.

The list could go on and on, but it’s depressing me and she’s now grounded until Jesus comes back, so I’d rather not dwell on it anymore.

The Boy drives me just as nucking futz.  He’s just fucking lazy.  He lets those dogs piss in his bedroom because he’s too lazy to take them out.  I’m trying to figure out a way to get rid of the dogs if neither him or Big T wants to take care of them.  It’s ridiculous.

Big T is making me want to pull my hair out.  I think  he doesn’t want to go back to work.  That’s not even the problem there.  I could care less if he works or not.  He gets short term disability, so financially, it’s not much of a burden.

What’s making me want to pull my hair out and punch him in the face is that every time I talk to him I hear the same two things… “I’m just sitting here watching TV.” and “I’m bored.”

Ok, pal.  If you’re so fucking bored, get up and do something.  Say, like dust mop.  Or how’s this, do the yard work.  Find something to do but bitch about being bored.

I’m working 50+ hours a week and commuting and still taking care of the house, the kids, the shit with their school, the house work, cooking, laundry and everything else.   Hello.

On the bright side, it’s Friday and I have a cooler full of beer.  I got a little last night. The VOLS play Florida (I anticipate it to be a total ass kicking to the boys, but hey).  USC ain’t playin til Thursday, but it should be an easy win.

So, kids.  Overlook my foul attitude.  I’m sure if I rest enough, I’ll be peachy keen by the end of the weekend.  Just in time for it all to start over again.

Have a drink on me.

A Shitty Review, Karaoke & Bad Ass Bitches

Posted in And a big FUCK YOU, Asshats, It's All About MeMeMe Beeeyach!, karaoke, Lame and stupid crap, music on August 26, 2008 by catscratch

So, I got a shitty review.  Big fucking deal, eh?

Apparently, I am not worthy of this space on the Internet and there is a huge following over at Ask & Ye Shall Receive who agree.

I really hope everyone who comes here, who I consider blog friends/family, realize that when I’m saying stupid things about my friends or family, that it’s all in fun and that I mean no harm.

I know I’m a good wife, mother and friend.  My little feelings are just hurt.

Sure, I submitted my bullshit for a review.  A REVIEW… not a feast for a bunch of blood hungry fucking vultures.  But hey, ya get what ya pay for.   I got exactly jackshit.  A bunch of no life asshats sitting over there shooting out insults and calling names.

Eh, whatever.  To my new friends at Ask & Ye Shall Receive



I’m a karaoke junkie.   Started by accident really.

Across the street from hell my employer at that time, I go to BullFeathers… found it interesting to see and hear all the folks trying to sing a song.

It was a few weeks before I’d gathered up the nerve to eek out a song.

I sang Manic Monday by the Bangles. And I sucked big time!

But, drunks love karaoke and don’t make fun of anybody.  They just cheer louder when ya suck.

I was almost as bad as Cameron Diaz when in My Best Friend’s Wedding.

I told my Dad that I was having a blast and that he should come out and play too.

For anybody wondering why they call me Diva… it’s all my Dad’s fault.  He started it and it caught on.

He went out and bought me a home karaoke machine after that. Go Dad!

I tried to sing me some country. Um, let’s just go with NOT.  I was told I haven’t got enough ‘twang’ in my voice to sing any kind of country. Thank God!!! Diva don’t got no twang!!!!
Scratch country.

So, it’s the elevator/coffee shop stuff I’ve found I’m pretty good at.
I can sing the shit out of Fleetwood Mac. Diva Nix over here.
Love Norah Jones and any kind of oldie but goodie.

This is my speed:

stevie nicks

But sometimes, I’d love to have a little more of a brazen streak. I want to belt out something that only a bad-ass-chick would do.

Janis Joplin belts out Bobby McGee.


Joan Jett embraces her nasty girl side with Do Ya Wanna Touch.

joan jett

And Heart whips the shit out of Magic Man.


Not that I’m knocking my easy listening and soft rock talent, but…

Why can’t I be a bad-ass??