Sore Boobs, Bloating and Smiting the Bitch Who Changed Tampons

Dear Mena,

I am writing to you today as you are the godess of menstruation and I feel you are playing games with me.

Not that you haven’t played games with millions of women throughout the centuries, but come on…. can’t you give me a break here.

I’m asking that you put the lightning rod away and quit giving me hot flashes.

Can’t you find some way to give men cramps, just once.  So they will understand how uncomfortable they are???

My boobs hurt.  I need to compress them.  Why?????  Oh why????

And, you have my permission to smite the corporate asshat that changed Tampax tampons.  Why did they go and try to make them better?  Now they are even more uncomfortable than they ever were.

It will be greatly appreciated if you could please find a way to give me a good night sleep.  I mean what does the fact that I’m not a baby oven anymore have to do with me not sleeping?  Get my point?

The only cool thing is that since I’ve always been a bitch, the moodswings don’t seem so bad.  At least not to me.   I’m using it as my personal excuse to break bitch on everybody who crosses my path. 

I just blame you for the anxiety and irritability.

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17 Responses to “Sore Boobs, Bloating and Smiting the Bitch Who Changed Tampons”

  1. When I worked I used to welcome PMS. It seemed to work in my favor among my coworkers which were predominantly male and assholes.

    Now at home, I don’t like it so much. 😛

  2. Oh My God…this is toooo funny! HA HA HA

    Im a raging LUNATIC when I have PMS

  3. Can’t you find some way to give men cramps, just once. So they will understand how uncomfortable they are???

    Ugh! No.

  4. Aaaawwwww…..the joys of being a woman.

  5. Sorry you’re feeling like crud. I went thru that last week – bleh! Oh, and I like the o.b. tampons – I’ve never had much luck with those stiff and strange “applicator” types. (I know any guys reading this later are going to be so grossed out, but hey… fact o’ life).

  6. Oh yeah! Well I had this splinter once and it really hurt! I mean it was even more painful than that paper cut last week. I bet that’s worse than cramps 🙂

    {{Ron runs like hell out of the blog at top speed}}

  7. I just drove over Ron with my SUV. I hope you don’t mind.

    As for the Tampax….wtf? I thought I was the only one that noticed! Please bring back the real Tampax, Tampax-people. You effed up SUCH a good thing! Let’s demand a comeback for the Retro-Tampax. Please!?

  8. I’ll pretty much just take your word for it on that cramps thing. 😉

  9. I am so glad I’m a man. Also glad I’m not the only man leaving comments. You can’t whip us all . . .

  10. HAHAHA sorry for laughing but you are so funny. I have little doubt that the cervical engineers who tinker with tampoons are all males?

    Men could not endure cramps they would die. Men are only designed to withstand bullet wounds collected during combat and broken bones in the middle of the big game in the quarter finals. We have mood swings too ya know and this occurs on an hourly basis….
    get laid deleriously happy, get shut down, sulk and start another scheme to get laid.

    I am not sure why Evolution didn’t invent a better way to flush your rad…you’d think that it would be easier. Since I am 50 I know better than to make any stupid mood swing PMS jokes..

    not
    until
    I
    am
    safely
    out
    of
    the
    comment
    section
    meep meep
    *small cloud of dust

  11. what did they do to tampax?

  12. Girl, that is what wine is for…it will make all that nasty stuff go away. Just be sure to take Vitamin B before the morning or you’ll be a REAL bitch! I know.

    Hope you’re doing well. Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. As always, you crack me up!

    XOXOXOXO
    RC

  13. Sometimes, God makes my balls itch a little.

    There…feel better?

  14. I HATE then new Tampax! Why is it someone always has to make something “better”? It’s not better, it’s worse!

  15. Getting the ‘gushers’ too? I love menopause…..flashes, gushers, moods, tears, the loss of my gun license ( I don’t understand why they don’t like for a PMS-y woman to have firearms?)

    Sometimes I just wanna cut all the shit out and have done with it!

  16. At least you blame Mena for the anxiety and irritability. My wife always blamed me for that.

  17. I hope today is better for you!! :O) xoxo

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