Load Shooters, Holy Rollers & Breast Milk Recipes

These goodies were found in Knoxville’sMetroPulse and were originally written by Chuck Shepherd with some sarcasm and commentary by yours truly here and there.

Although I claim to be a kleptomaniac (pens, lighters, staplers…), plagiarism isn’t my forte. 

 

Drive-by Fireworking

A 30-year-old man appears to be the most recent person to attempt to throw burning fireworks at a target while travelling in a car, but having the toss fail to clear the window and thus explode inside the car.  He was hospitalized.

Not my Weed, Dude!

Two 18-year-old men spotted police approaching their trailer park home in Salina, Kansas.  They panicked, and tossed illegal drugs out the window.  However, the police were there to originally to serve warrants on a neighbor and saw the drugs fly out the window.  The men were arrested.

Damn the luck.  I suppose if I had me a dime bag of smoke, I’d be all panick stricken too. NOT.  From what I understand it wasn’t enough for a charge of possession with intent to sell.  And they say pot doesn’t make a body paranoid.

The Dude Shot a Load.

Police in Ft. Meyers, Florida, said Jonathan Guabello got angry that his girlfriend had denied him sex when they returned home from bar hopping one night.    So, he left the room, shot himself twice in the arm, fell down and hit his head.  He knocked himself out.

Note to dear Jonathan….  What the hell were ya thinkin shooting yourself in the arm?  I mean, before you went stupid at least you had the opportunity for a dynamic solo performance.

Come On Baby, Light My Fire!

Another asshat was frustrated when his girlfriend kept falling asleep one night during sex.  He retaliated by attempting to set her van on fire.  Then he was promptly arrested.

Nothing turns me on more than a man who will torch my vehicle over sex.  Wait.  I actually think I might just be that frustrated.  Anybody got a match?

Can I Get an Amen??

Atlanta Pentecostal preacher, who has been divorced not once but twice, Thomas Meeks, said that he was talking about making himself the star in a  new reality show, “Holy Hook-Up: Who Will Be the Next Mrs. Meeks?”

There is no way in hell (or heaven) that I would hook up with a tainted preacher.  I mean, the man appears to go through women like kleenex.  No way.

Scattered, Smothered, Covered and Dunked!

The Storchen restaurant in Switzerland plans to introduce entrees cooked in
women’s breast milk.

There are no words.

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16 Responses to “Load Shooters, Holy Rollers & Breast Milk Recipes”

  1. OMG! Thank you for that laugh!

    I love your comment about the stupid dude who shot himself in the arm after being refused by his girlfriend…WTF!?! Maybe he meant to shoot his penis?

    LOL!!!

    Asshats all of them!

  2. BAHAHAHA!

    You just can’t make shit that good up!

  3. Lovely. All geniuses.

    I knew about the breast mil thing cause I always hear the weird food news through my food bloggers. *Shudder* Ew.

  4. I’m wonderin if Jonathan was aiming at his dick but was so drunk he couldn’t steady the gun…yeah I think he’s that stupid.

  5. I think I’ve heard of cheese made from women’s breast milk. I imagine one would have to be on a strict diet so as not to taint the taste of the cheese. I wonder how much I could get per ounce for breast milk. If I squeeze real hard I’ll bet I could get an ounce out of these puppies still!

  6. Why do I let myself be surprised? LOL. People are nutz!

  7. Oh, I was laughing until the last one. EW! And I actually heard about the guy shooting himself in the arm on the local news. Dumbass!

  8. There are just crazy folks everywhere I guess.

  9. Maxine has it right. There is NO Vaccine. Instead we should just make Vasectomies and Tubal Litigations mandatory for the above.

  10. sigh*…stupidity is contangious.

  11. LOL… I just really wonder what they were thinking was going to happen when they do such stupid shit. I doubt the woman who’s van was on fire would get all hot and worked up unless she was in the van at the time 🙂

  12. The Storchen restaurant in Switzerland plans to introduce entrees cooked in women’s breast milk.
    Mmmmm … Chicken-ka-boobs and Steak Ta Ta’s

  13. rantingdiva Says:

    RC- Some things I just don’t understand… and that was one of them.

    Jenny- I love stupid stuff though.. makes life worth living.

    Mel- So, people really do cook with it???? OMG.

    Trukindog- That stupid, Oh yes… I think so.

    Jen- Don’t let them get all tender though, that would suck!

    ETW- I still shake my head in amazement sometimes.

    Lynn- Yah, I was pretty grossed out myself. I don’t even drink moo milk.

    Mikie- Makes me feel a little more smart today.

    Vino- You so should run for some kind of public office. I’d vote for ya!

    Jackie- It is, isn’t it? Just sit and watch people.. your theory gets proven over and over and over and over…….

    Ron- I have no clue how she ever got hot and bothered by somebody so lame???

    Joe- You, my friend, are my hero.

  14. HA! Thanks for the laughs baby!

  15. Came here from Joe’s, all the way from Australia. You and I obviously enjoy the same sort of humor-based news!!

  16. I feel REALLY fucking smart right now!

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