Gahhhhh!

Thanks for all the well wishes and hugs and love that everybody has been sending my way.  I really appreciate all of that.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Back in Knox again after the flurry of activity on the map.   Wish I could say that coming home is sweet, but it just isn’t. 

The latest in the string of drama is the J-O-B situation.  It seems I’m about to find myself having to make a very life changing decision in the very near future. 

My company has already started the transition to relocated to Alabama (where the stars fall, in case you didn’t know).

They have offered me more money, more perks and an awesome full time position (in addition to the peanuts I count at present).  Four days a week.  Sweet.

Only thing is, I’m eventually going to have to relocated to Alabama.  Well, for at least 4 days a week. 

All of this is not coming at a good time, or maybe life changes never come at a good time.

There are a few things that I’ve managed to hammer out and get straight in my head in the past few weeks of road trippin.

  • I’m fucking depressed.  I’m sure of it. 
  • I have spent more time crying in the last year than I ever have in my life.  It isn’t a healthy life.  I feel tired, old and broken.
  • My marriage is emotionally and physically unsatisfying.
  • There is no joy to be found.  There is no joking.  There is no laughing.  There is no positive emotion.  The only communication in my married life is mellow-drama. 

Whatever.  I know my rollercoaster of bullshit isn’t why you kids come over here and I swear I’ll try to pep it up soon. 

It’s just hard to make light of things when they pass the point of tolerable.

On the bright side, maybe this deep thought, sadness, depression (whatever) has tamed me some.  I was just nice to a telemarketer and that’s just unheard of.

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20 Responses to “Gahhhhh!”

  1. Given the circumstances … maybe AL is a good choice.

    Knot

  2. Hang in there luv…you are in my thoughts…I hope things look up very soon! xoxo

  3. Hang in there. And however hard it is, I think it’s a lot harder to live a life you don’t want to live. You heard me say that – you only have this existence once. Big hug, honey.

  4. Hey sweets, whatever you decide know that you have my moral support.

  5. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. It’s so difficult with things like this, where you can’t use logic and reason to make decisions, just your heart and gut feelings. I really hope you find your answers…

  6. Oh you poor darling!

    I’m trying to get caught up with all my blogging buddies and I see that you’re going through some shit! I’m so sorry!

    First and foremost, do something for yourself. Whether it’s getting a pedicure, getting a drink with a girlfriend, or going shopping for a new outfit. When you are down and out, you need to get out of your life for a minute and see that there is hope.

    Second, take life one minute at a time right now. Don’t worry about the whole big, fucked up mess because you will go insane. Don’t make any big decisions (unless it’s absolutely necessary) until you can get yourself to a better place.

    Third, BREATHE! I know it sounds stupid but when you are super stressed, depressed, and down you forget to breath. I mean like sit still for a moment and take deep breaths. I was right where you were about a week ago and I just sat in a comfortable place and took five deep breaths a few times a day. It REALLY helps!!!!

    Forth, go to my blog and watch the 46-second video I posted today. It may bring a smile to your face.

    After all that, you may just feel a little better and if you don’t, that’s okay too.

    Be kind to yourself right now. You need it! I’m thinking about you!!!!

    XOXOXOXO
    RC

  7. I know what it’s like to be in an unsatisfying marriage. I am hoping things get better for you on that front.

    As far as Alabama…..I hate Alabama! I’ve spent many a summers there because my father was from there and it is the most mind numbing place on earth. I feel for you on that one too my friend.

  8. Nice? To a telemarketer??? HOLY CRAP! I had no idea things had gotten so bad!! {{HUGS}} If you need I can send you some Paxil and I have a few Xanax 🙂

    Sorry things are rough in the home life, but glad the job seems to be so promising. Why can’t things just work they way you want? Take care of yourself.

  9. If it makes you feel any better:

    * I’m fucking depressed.

    * I have spent more time crying in the last year than I ever have in my life. and I also I feel tired, old and broken.

    * My JOB & Life are emotionally and physically unsatisfying.

    * There is no joking. There is no laughing. There is no positive emotion.

    and I was just diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder….yanno, along with ALL my other medical issues & labels. Just what I needed.

    Saying hang in there seems trite and lame, so I will just send you a virtual hug.

    xxxxxoooo

  10. You’ve heard the phrase ” lifes a bitch and then you die ” well it’s true and theres no way around it but ya gotta make the best of it. I hope everything gets better for a soon darlin.

    RE: nice to a telemarketer…HELL NO even if ya gotta smack your own finger with the phone to spark the hate DO IT !

    NEVER EVER BE NICE TO TELEMARKETERS THEY ARE EVIL !!!

  11. ‘DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU’…..
    I also remember this when shit starts piling up on me and I start getting all freaked out, ‘kids, grandkids, job, no job, life, and the pursuit of happiness, etc.’…I read a biography of Lucille Ball, who at one time was duing her tv show with desi, taking care of his parents, her mother, her granmother, her 2 kids, a tv studio, etc. ‘ she was slowly going mad…so she put up a piece of paper by the mirror in the bath room that said’ do what’s good for lucy.’…and that’s what she did..you can’t take care of other people, job, etc. unless you take care of yourself first…
    I did this for years, until finally my daughter said it would probably work better if I put up “Do what’s good for Jackie’ instead…love and kisses..yo friend

  12. Have you thought about talking to someone about depression? Maybe go see your doc?

    Write it out whenever you need. I, personally come here because I like getting to know you, both when you’re funny and when you just need to talk.

  13. Honey – I am so sorry you are in such a bad place right now. Keep an open mind – don’t discount any possibilities right now. Things will work out for the best.

  14. If you were nice to a telemarketer, then you really are hurting!!!

    I hope things all work out for you.

  15. Tame? Who the fuck wants to be tamed? Girl – get a hold of yourself. I’ve been there before, and you have too I’m sure. Take some time out to figure out what’s making you the MOST unhappy and tackle that first. Don’t forget the badass woman you are.

    On the other hand, I know what it feels like to be depressed, to feel like nothing can bring you outta that funk. Get yer girls together and know that you’ve got support (both online and IRL) from all of us! Hang in there.

  16. My God hon…life is too freakin’ short! Do what you have to do to get happy soon.

  17. Cat…that ain’t good….

    Laughing and good S*x are what life is all about! Hang in there, and the best thing for you will happen. I’m sure of it!

  18. You’re the female me, except married.

  19. “I know my rollercoaster of bullshit isn’t why you kids come over here”

    I’ll take what you’ve got to offer. And somedays, I know it ain’t much. Been there, own the yacht, my friend.

    Sending some positive, encouraging and satisfying thoughts your way, sweetie . . .

  20. Hey. I’m sorry. I’m sending you emotional steroids and a spirit of satyromania to invade your husband.

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