Smokin, Drinkin & Cussin Like a Sailor

It occured to me, as Hollywood and I were talking about the differnces between us.  I constantly refer to her as my silly redneck best friend.  And she is and likely will be til I drop dead. 

But my Mama told me that I am just as redneck as Hollywood is, I just hide it better when I have to.  She said I have my fair share of bad habits and that me calling Hollywood redneck is like a pot calling the kettle black.

I suppose she’s right.  I guess I’m like a weekend warrior of bad habits.

Monday through Friday from 8 – 5, I’m prim, proper and I act very professional.  Hard to believe, no?

But as soon as it’s 5:00 on Friday afternoon, I morph into a drunk who ain’t got no proper English and who lets the tattoos show while holding a cigarette in one hand and spouting dirty jokes.

Kind of like a girl version on Ron White, only hotter.

Then Thorn made the comment that I say fuck alot.  He even gave me some bling bling for it.

I guess I just didn’t realize just how vulgar I am on the average day.   It was a revelation of sorts, however, not life altering.  I is who I is. 

Folks can love me for the bitch I am, bad habits and all, or they can kiss my ass.  I is who I is.

Tattoos.  I love ’em.  I know good and well that they are permenant.  Therefore I will never, ever put anybody’s name anywhere on my body.  Did that once.  Thank God my inkman is extremely talented and you can’t even see the oooopsie for his excellent cover up job.

During the workweek.  I wear clothes that cover every one of them.  My boss flipped out when one of the girls in our German office dyed her hair with pink streaks and got her nose pierces, so I keep all my ink and piercings to myself so he won’t have a heart attack.

I’ve decided I’m happy with myself regardless of being the total opposite of a barbie doll.   I mean, I’ve never been a skinny girl.  Not fat, but nowhere near skinny either. 

I made the comment one night sitting at the watering hole with some younger, single girls, that its nice being middle aged and not being there to pick up men.  They asked why I would say that.

Well, as a middle aged, married woman with a very peppy (for lack of a better word) attitude, I didn’t have to sit and starve all night.  If I want some jalepeno poppers, by shit, I’m gonna have some poppers. 

I drink beer.  Lots of beer.  And that’s why I go to the gym.  The only reason.  To work off the beer calories so I can drink more beer.

Another bad habit is that I love to torment the children. They are really turds and since they don’t do what they are supposed to, I feel it my duty to make them as miserable as possible.

Ciggies.  Yep.  I smoke.  And ladies just aren’t supposed to smoke.  Well, they can, but there are rules.  A lady doesn’t walk with a lit ciggie. She doesn’t let the ciggie hang from her lip when she’s doing something else. 

I’m no lady.  Please note the cartoon Diva below.  That is me, to a T.



24 Responses to “Smokin, Drinkin & Cussin Like a Sailor”

  1. You Fucking curse??? No Fucking way!!

  2. rantingdiva Says:

    Ron- I can’t believe you just said fuck in a public arena. You rock!

  3. Shit, girl! Yer a real woman!!

  4. 5:00 on Friday afternoon?

    I don’t know how you can wait that long.

  5. Hiding the fact that you’re redneck is an art…I do it all the time. But then again, I spent the frist 11 years of my life living in a trailer park, so I know all about redneck! *snort*
    I hear ya about waiting until the weekend though. With everything I have on my plate, it has to {wait, that is}.
    And I must agree with all of it…the swearing, the smoking, the tattoos, the drinkin. That’s what us real women do!
    *And if you’re really like Ron White we gots ta meet. I love me some Tater Salad! 😛

  6. We could so be best friends !!


  7. Well fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! Shit that felt good, I can’t say that over at my blog, shit all my family reads it. Now I know where I can go and use that ever so popular word. he he he.

  8. Twenty-three years ago … for our thirteenth wedding anniversary as a gift to her … I had her name tattooed on my back. Since then and even up til now … she’s always on my back!

  9. Love you for exactly who you are…never change!! :O)

  10. Surely your advisory notice should be warning children, not parents…

  11. Being a drinking, tattooed redneck is a problem? I didn’t get that memo.

  12. now yer talkin… sure would fit in round here… great post!!

  13. But do you take the ciggie out of your mouth while telling the state trooper to kiss your ass? 😉

  14. Good for you! Just be yourself, treat others well and you’ll be happy.

  15. rantingdiva Says:

    MetalMom- My cousin had the nerve to tell me a lady doesn’t have tattoos.

    MJ- It’s sheer willpower, babes.

    Michelle- I wanted to marry the man for his sarcastic manners.

    Philly- I’ve read your stuff and I’d have to agree. Best friends or twins.

    Jose- Vent, vent, vent!!!

    Joe- Bwahahahaha. That’s sweet.

    PPD- Nah, I don’t think I could change.

    Brian- Good point.

    ETW- Yah, I didn’t either, but the bitch cousin of mine looking down her nose at me told me all I needed to know.

    FTW- The whole lot of us need to make a date for drinks.

    Jay- Of course, I do.

    Keith- That’s the golden rule, dude. I’m good to everybody.

  16. yeah, ive been casually planning a west coast “meet my fellow bloggers trip” for a while now… i think it would be a great adventure… and if yer ever on this side of usa give me a heads up!

  17. Rom White is one of my all time favorite comedians. In fact out of the whole blue collar comedy bunch…he is my FAVORITE.

    I am a beer drinking gutter mouth from Friday-Sunday too.

    *complete with tattoos!*

    i love that you IS who YOU is!

  18. I think you owe it to your cronies to show us close-ups of all the piercings!!!

  19. fuckity fuck fuck fuck………………
    my favorite expression…if i had to stop cussing, my ass would explode..used to drink…used to smoke…not any more…this is my routine..i haven’ smoked in 36 years, i haven’t drank in 17 years, i haven’t had sex in 23 years…so if you see me with a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other………….you know i just got laid..

  20. God, I love you.

    I have some tattoos too…You can see my big, ass one here:

    I’m not much of a lady either, and I’m not even a redneck. I can’t wait until my kids get older so I can make them miserable too.


  21. Rock on girly! YOu are a fucking hot diva!

    Come by and see the last installment of my mystery trip!

  22. Mmmmm, jalapeno poppers.

  23. I love being able to go out and not give a fuck what I look like or who’s watchin. The sexiest women, I think, are the ones who can be happy wither herself and her beer and who relishes the idea of going home by herself. Yay, Diva.

  24. rantingdiva Says:

    IV- We’re thinkin early October!

    Meleah- I would have married Ron White, but I met Big T first and Ron was already married. Would have been too much drama.

    Moe- Tattoos, maybe. Piercings…only the ones in my ears, pal.

    Jackie- Ahhh, I heading that way myself. No boos, no smokes, no sex.

    RC- Dayum! That’s pretty hawt!

    Robyn- I’ll be over shortly!

    AngryMan- The greatest snack treat around.

    Krissy- Oh hell yah. Who cares what anybody else thinks??

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