Unusual Areas, Working out the Kinks & A Pure Heart

I’ve learned from my collection of fortune cookies slips, I mean assuming the Fortune Cookie Nazi (FCN) caves and puts one in my little take-out bag.

Speaking of him though, it appears that me and FCN have called a truce for now.  So, I’m overwhelmed with mass quantities of wisdom and deep knowledge.

 In the past, there was an ongoing battle over the fortune cookie.  Simply put, that I wanted a fortune cookie, not for that crispy cardboard taste, but for the lil snippet of knowledge held within the hard cookie wrapper.  And that asshat wouldn’t give me one.

Anyways, for the past few months, all’s been well.  I’ve gotten my fortune cookies.  So, now I can bore you with my cookie wisdom.  Yay!  I know you’re fucking thrilled. 

In my mind, I got this particular cookie because it’s destiny and so it should actually pertain to my life in some way.  Stupid, huh? 

“You are vigorous in words and action.”  You ain’t just whistling Dixie on that one.   I vigorously chase my man for sex.  I vigorously bitch and moan at the kids to do chores… I vigorously trot around the nation acting like I’m working.

“Your skills & talents will be called on in unusual areas.”  Well, I hate to say, but my mad skillz ain’t be called on in bed.  But I digress. 

My mad skillz have been called on and I’m officially proofing and editing all materials written in our company prior to publication… English skills.  BORING.

Besides, having skillz and talent to use in unusual areas could be alot of fun if the opportunity should ever present itself again.

“Working out the kinks today will make for a better tomorrow”  Working out kinks would be alot of fun.  One would think anyway.  Think of all the positions you could work into.  But, I don’t think that sexual positions are what they had in mind. 

I’m thinking they were referring to say money problems or buying a house….  So, if I could just kick my mortgage’s ass and pay off the beastie things would be peachy.  But, I’m bound to be in this damn mortgage for life and I have a bad habit of trading vehicles as soon as they’re paid off.

What does that mean… I’ll be in debt….  until Jesus comes back.

“You have had a good start. Work harder!”  Ok, I have been married less than a year.  Sure, everybody’s first year sucks salty, sticky balls (so I’ve heard) and then after that its supposed to get better.

Right?  I mean I always hear “The first year is the hardest”. 

 “Your heart is pure and your mind clear and your soul devout.”  Pure heart?  Clear mind? Soul devout?  I think I got the wrong damn fortune cookie here.  Apparently the Fortune Cookie Nazi didn’t see my horns and pitchfork when he slipped the cookie in the bag.

I don’t know, maybe my soul is devout.  But my mind hasn’t been clear in, say, 20 years.  Like since I was in high school and I had no worries.

“You will soon be honored  by someone you respect.” Dayum.  Now this one has some serious possibilities.  I mean I could be honored by Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, Timberland or maybe a gaggle of cheerleaders… But there are so many more… The anticipation is getting my panties in a wad.

“The best times of your life have not yet been lived.”  This one I believe.  I’m pushin 40 and looking forward to it.  The two teenage-mutants will have hopefully graduated and will hopefully get the hell out of my house while furthering their educations and living on campus.  Either way, by the time I hit 40, all of the collective kids in my house will be old enough to have lives of their own and I’ll not be a taxi, referee, short order cook or prison guard anymore. 

I’m not trying to rush them away.  Really I’m not.  I just know that soon enough I’ll be able to make plans for me.  I’ll be able to go do what I want, when I want.  I will be able to just eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and not have to worry about anybody bitching because I didn’t cook.    Wonder if I’ll suffer from empty nest syndrome?

So, there ya have it.  Fortune cookie wisdom at its finest. 

Have a MAGNANUMUS MONDAY, kiddies.

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22 Responses to “Unusual Areas, Working out the Kinks & A Pure Heart”

  1. I had cereal on Saturday night.

  2. I’m a little jealous. My favorite fortune cookie message slipped off the fridge and has gone missing. I bet it’s under the fridge…. And my kids will never be out of the house. Well, at least not until after my scheduled death date, I’m sure (that’s what I get for having kids so late in life). Sheesh.

  3. I always thought those were my desert and never cracked them open. Maybe, just maybe my intestines took advantage of all that wisdom.

  4. Girl, you need to get laid.

    I hate getting Fortune Cookie “wisdom” mine always tell me I need to work harder to achieve my goals. Forget that shit!

  5. I’m eating cereal now.

    Nom nom nom.

  6. And don’t forget to add “In my pants!” or “In bed!” to the end each fortune. LOL 😉

  7. I always tear those damn things open and read my “fortune.” It’s like a compulsion.

    I won’t eat them though, even if they did taste good. For one, they have 260 calories apiece. …the fuck?? I am NOT a dieter or health nut, not anywhere close, but still, when I saw that I was horrified. And for two, I saw the Science Channel show “How It’s Made” episode where they showed how fortune cookies are made – inserting the fortune in there and everything. It was fascinating but definitely made me not want to put one near my mouth ever again.

  8. Mine always sound something like:

    “The brakes on your car will fail soon.”

    “You dog is crapping on the carpet as you read this.”

    “If I were you I would find a bathroom quick.”

    Am I the only one to get those?

  9. fuck!…I didn’t know cheerleaders came in gaggles …

  10. Is this really a Chinese tradition? I’ve only seen them in the US, never here.

    My prediction is that one of these days you’ll accidentally eat the bit of paper, and have to be rushed to hospital to have it removed before the writing fades.

  11. Mine always say something like..

    “should u really be wasting your money eating out”

    fuckers…

  12. If it wasn’t chicken….hey where are all those stray dogs that we usually see in the ally when we drive up?

    Diva, email me through my blog profile, I may have something for you.

  13. my fortune cookies are never that cool. I usually get some lame fortune like ”

    Your Lucky Numbers are 2, 8 & 11″

    which BTW never wins the lottery.

  14. The guy who writes those things in China gets paid 3 chickens a month. Do you seriously want to take his word for anything?

  15. Ahhh fortunes – It always seems that they are less fortunes these days than comments on my personality. For instance “You are vigorous in words and action” Is it saying then that I will be vigorous in the future? I wanna get a fortune that says “You will die painlessly in your sleep” or something useful like that. Or maybe “Your daughter will not end up on Jenny Jones one day”

    And Jackie – Of course fuckin cheerleaders come in gaggles….What else would they come in?

    Missed ya while I was gone girly!

  16. How come fortune cookies look like vaginas?

  17. The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie:

    10) Everyone’s meal today is on you!
    9) The ‘special sauce’ came from the floor!
    8) Guess what our special ‘drop’ was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
    7) Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
    6) A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
    5) Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.
    4) See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
    3) We know where you live.
    2) You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
    1) MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

  18. I get the sense that you could use a sex session. Am I wrong about that? When is your birthday coming up? I’ll get you a fancy dildo.

  19. I’m that way with horoscopes. I’ve found this website that will deliver them to the inbox daily. It’s a riot reading what is written for the day as it usually goes along with what’s going on. How the hell do they do that?? LOL.
    I’m with Jay though. Gotta add “in bed” after each fortune. It makes it much more fun!
    I wish I could get a fortune cookie though. I rarely get to eat Chinese. The hubby swears they have added small household pets to the food, and refuses to even try it. Dude doesn’t know what he’s missing!!!

  20. In bed.

    Hee hee.

    I love that crispy cardboard taste too!

  21. lol….geeeeez Diva

    All mine are boring and shit. I want yours.

    Slips I mean

  22. I stumbled onto your blog through Achieving New Balance and I think you are hysterical! I love your writing style, and I so love your FC wisdom, especially the Pure of Thoughts…ya, right. I can’t claim that fame, either. My only pure thought is…oh, I don’t have pure thoughts! LOL

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