Telemarketers + Boredom = Yusuki Wang

So, we get bombarded with uberous amounts of telemarketing calls every day at the office.

I’m usually not very nice to these poor people.

I know they are just doing their job, but for fuck sake… Go back to school, get a degree and get a real job not bothering the people who already have a real job.

It’s pretty simple.  But…

Some days I’m bored with work, and porn *snicker*,  and Pogo games, and blogging,  so I may entertain a telemarketer for a few minutes if what they say off the bat is interesting enough to make me release the mouse and stop popping the balloons hanging on my monitor.

Mind you, I never know if it’s my boss calling from Germany, so I always, ALWAYS answer the phone in an oh-so-pleasant voice… until I find out who it is.

“Good Morning, how may I help you?” Note how pleasant that is.

“Hello, Ma’am. This is Sherri. I’m calling from Fairfield with a wonderful offer that we thought you may be interested in.”

I say, “Oh, really? What kind of offer do you have there, Sherri?”

Sherri goes on her schpeeeeel now:
“Well, we are calling to offer to individuals who have been pre-qualified in your area, the opportunity to come stay for a week at one of our several resorts, your choice. All you have to do is come and listen to a presentation about the property and take a tour. We do have a small fee to cover taxes and meals, but the stay itself if complimentary. What do you think?”

I decided what the fuck. I’m bored. I’ll play along.

So I say “Can I ask you to hold one sec.” 

I need to get OG to play along.  I run into Olga’s office and tell her the story and she’s all ready to play along. So, I get back on the phone.

I pick the phone back up and start off….
“Thanks, Sherri. I’m glad you held for me, I’d like to consider signing up. I could use a vacation. You said there is no obligation?”

Sherri says, “No. No obligation at all.”

I ask, “How much is this fee you were talking about.”

Sherri says, “Only $275.00 and you can even put it on your Visa or Mastercard.”

I say, “I can put it on a credit card? But I don’t have a credit card. My partner keeps them and she won’t let me charge anything. Let me put her on the phone.”

Olga gets on the phone, “Hello?”

Sherri: “Hi. I’m Sherri from Fairfield.”

Olga: “What is this deal that you have TheDiva so excited about that she wants the credit card right now?”

Sherri goes through her whole schpeeeeel again.

Olga says, “Well, I don’t think we are interested. I do not want to get tied up in a timeshare type deal and I know all about this kind of scam. Since we aren’t married we aren’t qualified for any kind of couple deals or anything.”

Sherri: “Can you put Rhonda back on the phone?”

Olga: “Well, it would be pointless to put her back on the phone since she has no money and no credit cards and since she won’t do anything without my permission. Have a nice day now, ok?”

At least if Sherri was on an hourly wage, she made her money honestly that day.

Other telemarketers that are fun to jerk around are the ones that call occassionally to “check on the make and model of the office copier”.  Their scam is to get you to tell them the make/model of the copier and then they will, in turn, ship you toner that you didn’t want and invoice you.

Then if you don’t pay the invoice they try to send you to collections. 

I have a page from the Xerox catalog.  The most Mac copier you’d ever see.  With ass expensive toner.

 So, I tell them the Xerox copier and they tell me they will go ahead and ship it.  To who’s attention shall they ship?

I always tell them to ship to Yu-Suki Wang.  That way when they try to make us pay for the stock of toner we have just sitting back there, we can deny, deny, deny.  We don’t have that copier, nor do we have an employee by that name.

Come on, folks… it’s all in fun.


On a happy note.  School has FINALLY started back up and those teenagers in my house are officially Seniors!  Go teenagers!  You will be graduated and have the ability to get out and rul the world on  your own like you keep spouting about in less than one  year.  I wish you luck.  If you need me, you’ll be able to reach me through OG, she’ll have a phone number to my secret Catscratch location.

Oh, I’m super dooper excited over here.  My next post will be the BIG 200.

I can’t believe I’ve managed to find so much shit to spew forth about.

Cheerio, people!

19 Responses to “Telemarketers + Boredom = Yusuki Wang”

  1. We don’t have a home phone anymore so no more telemarketers. However whenever I received those calls I used to tell them “no hablo Ingles, Español por favor”, at first that worked and they hanged up but the suckers got smart and hired bilingual people. Shit they are equal opportunity harassers. lol

    Oh, and I do like to karoke, and the more I drink the better I sound. lol

  2. rantingdiva Says:

    Jose- You are now officially one of my karaoke heros. I’m excellent when I’m blistered.

  3. Having fun with telemarketers is truly my only fun of the day while at work.

    Those copier callers are SNEAKY — I got ’em though! When I ask them to repeat their company name and reason for calling, they ALWAYS hang up on me. Awesome.

    BTW, my “work name” is Barbara Bush.

  4. Baaawaaaaahaaaa! Omg! This was the funnest shit to read! Thanks for a great morning belly laugh! I think I will be back OFTEN! You are one funny kitty…*MEOW*

  5. In any truly civilised society, unsolicited marketing would be banned. They phone me at home and ask to speak to the homeowner. I tell them I’m the tenant, and that normally stops them. The most annoying are the ones that are selling phone products or accident insurance, and ask you who your phone provider is, or if you have had any serious accidents recently. I’m really not going to give out information to someone who randomly phones me up.

    I think I might start following Jose’s example and speak to them in Greek.

  6. We do the same thing to telemarketers. When they called once for the copier model number one of our guys said, “No problem I got it right here it’s F-U-C-K-O-F-F” and amazingly they hung up on him.

  7. this post seems awfully familiar…. hmmm…. have i seen it before?

  8. Yu-Suki Wang….he,he,he…love it!!

  9. rantingdiva Says:

    Mel- I get barraged with those calls. Makes me nutz, Barbara.

    Robyn- Thanks!

    Brian- That would be Greek to me.

    Ron- They do not dig confrontation or resistance.

    IV- I did use the first part before, but not the xerox part. Sometimes one needs to revisit old ideas when one is suffering brain mush.

  10. Oh MAN. I have wanted to post about this for so long and ya beat me to it. I get between 3 and 5 calls per day usually and hey, it’s the highlight of my day. *Eye roll*

    Those copier people? I love when they say “we’re your copy supply people” or my “authorized dealer” and I just say “Um, no, you’re not” and hang up on them. UGH.

    I work in a very small company, 18 people, but during non-peak construction season, only about 10. Anyway, I’ve been here for 5 years and I know the ins and outs of pretty much everything and everybody we deal with. So when someone calls for my boss trying to tell me “oh, he knows me, I talked to him yesterday,” I tell them in as subtle a way as possible that they’re lying and to FUCK OFF.

    I HATE salespeople. A LOT.

  11. i am always getting those telemarketing phone calls at the house where they have an opinion poll and would like my opinion..I always tell them, there are two things you don’t is a sexually transmitted desease and the other is my opinion on anything…they usually giggle and hang up…makes everyones day …

  12. I got in a good pissing contest with one recently while to cancel something. Pretty soon I was calling him an idiot, ha, ha, ha. Then he came up with, “Do you want me to respect you.” “Hey, I don’t give a shit if you respect me or not, just cancel this thing.”

    “Yah. I have a tool. He’s sitting in the big chair over there snoring right now.”

    He, he, he. I’m a handy mechanic, builder, repairman, etc, but naps are good also.

    “I always tell them, there are two things you don’t is a sexually transmitted desease and the other is my opinion on anything”

    That’s a hoot. I have opinions and I think that everyone is fucking entitled to them, ha, ha, ha.

  13. So how do you get your profile pic to show at wordpress?

  14. I love this story! That was awesome. HA! I wish the people in my office were this much fun.

    My son usually handles all the telemarketing calls in my house. I cant be bothered. He does a nice job of getting rid of them. For the most part. Now you have me curious and planning how to play a joke on the next one that calls my house!

  15. OH! What fun! Telemarketers deserve all the crap you give them, I’m telling you. You’re right, they should go back to school and get a real job, or move to India.

    Woot to you! For the teenagers about to spring the nest. And I hope they do. AND for the 200th post! We should have a par-tay!

  16. I totally agree with you, honey. However….here’s the problem with those telemarketers themselves….Many of them do, indeed, have degrees. The real issue is jobs for them in their chosen field. And they get disillusioned by the reality of life, so they drift to meaningless jobs like this. I guarantee the vast majority of these folks are gone in 60 days.

  17. Yu Suki Wang? That’s my dry cleaner’s name!

  18. I’m usually not really nice to the copier folks either. I tell them to get a real job and stop scamming people. Does your Grandmother know what you’re doing for a living????

    As for the telemarketers, I have an imaginary friend, Pete. All calls go to Pete.

    Love the teenager sign!!!!

  19. I always say…”You Know…I’ve got a Raging Boner right now…you have anything that can help me with that?”

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