Advice, Insight & a Bag of Chips

A friend of mine is dealing with some seriously insane female issues right now.  And it is driving me nucking futz to listen to it. 

Not that I don’t love him to death.  I do. 

But, sometimes you just gotta get a grip and go the hell on.

My advice to my friend.   For what it’s worth.

You know who you are. 

In general, women are emo-kids in adult wrappers. At least I am, and I know alot of other women (my age, younger and older) that are the same way.

Everybody has baggage. By the time you make it into your mid-30’s, if you don’t have baggage, you must not have been doing a very good job at having a life.

Many folks, men and women, by the mid-30’s have been married, had children and (in many cases) suffered through an ugly divorce or split with a significant other.

I for one have dished out my fair share (if not much, much more) of questions as to whether my significant other really loves me. I’ve tried to push him away several times, because it’s easier to let go and hurt a little than to really fall in love and get hurt ALOT in the end.

 I had a life.  Oooooh, a past.

And the experience wasn’t all good.

Not that my life was stricken with hardship on a constant basis.  Far from it.

I did my fair share of enjoyin the ride.

I chose to stay in my first marriage a lot longer than was advised. Yes, I could have packed up and left. But, I married him, and I was hellbent to stick with it or die.

He was nice to me when he wanted something from me. 

Otherwise, he said little and did even less.

Then I grew up. I realized it wasn’t healthy and I had to get out.

So, I packed my shit and didn’t let the door hit me in the ass as I was kickin rocks.

But I found out I had trust issues when I finally jumped.  Big T has NEVER done the first thing to make me think he’s going to hurt or leave me. He has never done anything but open doors for me and treated me like I am his equal.

Could I accept that? Simply put, for a long time, the answer was no.

I ass-u-me (d) that there was no man out there that is genuine. There was no man out there that could really love me, for rowdy, vulgar old me.

There was no man out there that really would ask how my day went just because he wanted to share a few minutes together after work. ETC, ETC, ETC….. the list could go on forever.

A woman wants to be happy with a man. Companionship, intimacy… yes, please.

But sometimes getting her to accept that not all men are the same is a real challenge.

Even if she knows it’s true. Her past may be a horrible, scary monster that must be slayed before she can go on.

It can be done if there is room to work on these things in the relationship.

If not, it’s doomed.  So pack it up and go on.  Just let her know on your way out the door, that you’ve made every effort to make it work and to work with her and that you are not her ex or anybody else that’s hurt her before. 

Good luck, brother.  I hope something works out for you kids.


25 Responses to “Advice, Insight & a Bag of Chips”

  1. Isn’t that sad but oh so true – we carry a little voice around that says theres no way he reaaallly loves me – he’s going to figure out who I really am eventually. Love the graphic inserts too, it illustrates your point. hehe I crack myself up sometimes.

  2. But if he decides to move on, he should let her know it is because of her “trust” issues, not because he is yet another scumbag in a long line of scumbags, kwim? That might give her a wake up call and a change of heart.

  3. Wow, amen to that. As for me, after 27 years of being married I am just happy mi chica decided that I am a keeper. Heck, she is a keeper too.

  4. Where’s my bag of chips?

  5. All this relationship stuff shouldn’t be rocket science, yet it seems to be far more difficult…

  6. That’s good advice Cat Scratch. The only person’s emotions you can control are yours, and sometimes not even then. Nobody is here to make you happy. Except for dogs and crows.

    If I speak to my agent, I’ll see about your request for the cabana boy.

  7. In the end it’s all about Trust. We don’t deserve it because of all the stuff we think about doing..deep down we’re bad monkeys with motive and opportunity and impulse control issues but that’s part of the hardwiring….but, we can earn it for not acting upon those thoughts.

    Some people thrive on constantly testing their relationship and others never even take it out of the garage for a spin? A huge part of the problem is that whole fairy tale happily ever after mythology that we soak our children in…relationships are the hardest thing we ever tackle and that’s why they are also the most rewarding.

    You gotta get to know yourself and ‘meet N greet’ your needs before you can have them met..and don’t rely on anybody else to fill them..they can’t.

    I work very hard…pretty hard…OK I don’t suck at at trying to avoid repeating the same mistakes that I made during my first time around.
    What do I know? You get what you give..usually…unless of course you have horrible intuitive abilities and delusional unrealsitic demands …actually I keep a couple of those tucked away in a corner of my brain that I like to nurture just in case..whatareyagonnado?

  8. How sad is it that my comment totally got lost when I read ETW comment and read “kwim”…. It just sounded so dirty that I got totally distracted “know what I mean”? LOL

  9. oh man is that ever the truth…im at the ripe ooold age of 64..3 marriages and lots of failed romances…and think it all stems from the first marriage..he ruined me for all men..i always assumed they would end up being like Asshole#` and could never put all my trust in them, kept waiting for them to fuck up..and if they didn’t I fucked it up for them…now I realize…I like being alone..don’t need or want a man in my life…touch my remote and I’ll rip your arm off…excuse me while I go rearrange my baggage…

  10. Wow, I feel as though I could have written the same post today.

    I feel so exhausted at giving “advice” to friends that just never get it.

  11. Very well said, woman!

  12. Wow. What a good friend you are….that’s some awesome advice!!

  13. I like what you say about baggage, except of course the women who are in their 30s and HAVEN’T had kids yet weren’t mentioned – according to them they have no baggage – and according to me they have that big chip on the shoulder which seeks “Mr Right”, who must be loving, caring, love kids, love her, accept everything about her as it is, and be willing to change everything about himself to fit into her idealised image of “Mr. Right”.

    Oh, and I forgot – he has to be a good provider, so must be financially secure, and willing to pay for her need to breed too…..

    Well, perhaps, on reflection, I am a trifle too harsh – and there are many who aren’t like this, but I think once the biological clock is ticking away that it is sometimes impossible to not do this.

    Or I could be wrong.

  14. So Cat Scratch … How was your day?
    Email me if you’d like.

  15. Excellent analysis.

    Good luck to your friend.

  16. I guess it takes more for some people to move on or get out. Ive seen my share of bad marriages and Ive never understood WHY some people stay together.

    “Everybody has baggage. By the time you make it into your mid-30’s, if you don’t have baggage, you must not have been doing a very good job at having a life.”

    That was an awesome statement. Now I feel better about MY baggage!


  17. It is amazing sometimes how difficult we make things out to be, isn’t it?

    Hopefully everything will come together…

  18. I was hanging out in East LA late one night and this drunk girl walks past me and my friend. A few times. The last time she’s sobered up and is talking to us, showing us the bruise she got tonight from her man. And we’re all “shit! don’t go back there!” And she’s all, I’m going back there right now. You hope eventually everyone will choose not to be a doormat or a target or an enabler or a whatever, but I don’t think everyone does.

  19. I can’t count how many times I told my ex “I’m not your other husbands” yeah husbands, a pattern maybe?

  20. I couldn’t have put it any better.

    Sometimes I feel that I’m reverting back to my late 20’s. Things that I have worked thru, that now has popped back up into my scarey life.

    I had it all worked out by the time I was 32 years old and have kept all the “bad issues” at bay, but I have let my ex creep back into my life, via thru our daughter and have let him drag me down that pathetic path that I have left behind me so long ago.

    So, I can totally relate to this post and thanks for the smack up side “my” head. I hope that your friend get’s what I got out of this post and hope that it helps him as much and it has me. Thanks again!

  21. rantingdiva Says:

    Vino- That voice can be a total bitch, huh?

    ETW- I actually went back and added that to the post. That was a very good point that I just overlooked.

    Joe- See, that’s awesome! Relationships can be inspiring!

    MJ- Sorry, babes. I didn’t know you wanted them. I scarfed ’em down already.

    Brian- If I could only have a degree in making relationships work and be functional… oh what a wonder woman I’d be.

  22. rantingdiva Says:

    Thorn- Amen on that point about controlling only your own emotions… and I’m waiting on my cabana boy.. any news yet?

    Donn- You are my hero. You always find the most awesome way to express.

    Ron- KWIM. It’s like totally a bigtime sex move 🙂

    Jackie- I have been rearranging mine to a more appropriately sized suitcase.

    Mel- We can dish out all kinds of advice, whether they listen or not and it can totally wear one done 🙂

  23. rantingdiva Says:

    Melissa- Why thank you!

    Michelle- Thanks, mamas!

    Tri- Right on the money there. Right on it.

    Joe- Awesome day and I’m emailing you 🙂

    Sage- Thanks, Brother!

  24. rantingdiva Says:

    Meleah- Oooh, Mama. We all gots it.

    Bella- I hope so. He’s on such an emotional rollercoaster right now.

    Jack- Sometimes people just don’t learn. Sad, but true.

    Truckindog- Ya think?

    Cat- I fail to mention how many times I played leave and go back with my ex. It happens, girl.

  25. i never worried about getting ‘my shit together’ because if i did get it together, it would be to heavy to carry plus..i had no place to take it..

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