Duct Tape, Ditchin Class & Kickin Ass

Yah.  So, there’s only two week of summer vacation left for the kids and you know what…. I couldn’t be more thankful. 

The teenage mutants are on my very last nerve and if I had more than just a few weeks left, I fear I would be purchasing major stock in duct tape and doing some taping of mouths and hands and shoving said mutants in a damn closet with only an hour outside to walk circles in the front yard per day and maybe some kibble here and there.

Normally, only one of these people goes completely asshat on me at a time.

But. This isn’t normally and I’m ready to choke them.

If they make it to their 18th birthday’s, they will be lucky children.

I’ve decided to do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

I’m hiding downstairs in the lair right now, so as to avoid contact.

I got a call from the guidance councelor at Miss A’s school today.  Summer school.  She’s doing classes electively so as she might graduate early.

Right.   Not gonna happen.  The girl has taken to ditching summer school. It’s not enough just to ditch during the regular school year.

Can somebody please tell me why the girl has even signed up for un-necessary summer school just to ditch???  So, I’m gonna kick her ass for that.  I’ve decided.

You may have grown old, but you may not have grown up. They boy is the king of making sure everybody knows he’s 17.  Whooo, 17 ??  Ya don’t say.  Then why in the world does he bow up everytime I ask his lazy ass to do something?  Anybody?

When asked to do a few dishes, he slammed them around in the sink, apparently trying to break the pots and pans.

When asked to vacuum, avoidance is his way out.


If you need time alone, just start cleaning the house. I’ve decided the best way to get those people to leave me alone when I’m about to snap is to pick up a dust rag and start dusting.

I swear to God, they scatter like cockroaches on a filthy kitchen countertop when the light is suddenly turned on in the middle of the night.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Why is it that kids have no clue about money.  Well, they have a clue about money when they want some, but when it comes to replacement of something expensive….

Texas Instruments T85 calculator.  This thing does everything but sort and fold laundry.  $119.00.

These people have already been through 3 of them.

It’s not like I can get away with not replacing them either, since math isn’t math anymore and they MUST have this calculator of rocket science in order to even take math classes now.

And cell phones.  The boy has been through 3 in less than 2 years.  He tosses it around, drops it, totally abuses it… and then wanks to high heaven that “it just don’t work anymore”.

Anyway, I just needed to rant before I had a real cow and duct taped them and ended up on America’s Most Wanted for being a horrible mother.

Are there any other kids out there that just go asshat for no reason????

Does anybody have any answers?? Advice??  Xanax???  Wine????


I’ve been out whoring on Blogger’s Lane again and found me some new places to visit regularly.  Check ’em out if you don’t already. 

Vinomom.  A lush like me.

Holy Crappers.  A couple of sisters who are lushes like me with lovely Tuesday posts and dripping with sarcasm.

Sully Sullivan.  Sarcasm a-plenty. Plus the fact that he pissed off Google ads (it’s ok, honey).



18 Responses to “Duct Tape, Ditchin Class & Kickin Ass”

  1. I have some Xanax, but I’m saving them for an emergency…

  2. I have Gman’s xanax with plenty of refills !!

    Thanks for the plug


  3. Vinomom says Wine Cures All

  4. I have a 10 yr old and a 2 yr old. I do not enjoy reading about “teen-ager-y” things. Even though we already call the 10 yr old our “Sullen Teenager.” Seriously, it starts early these days….

  5. ah… the life. our nine year old(birthday 10 this coming sunday) has just informed us that she is hormonal and basically needs to be excused for everything. from her foul off temper, lack of chore abilities, nastiness to her sister, etc… good luck. i like your interpretation of the asprin directions!!!

  6. Oh man. This is what I have to look forward to??? Should I just committ myself now, and save everyone the misery?

    I’m just glad you have this blog to turn to. We’re here for you, honey. Rant away. We’ll laugh and cry with you. Maybe we’ll take some Xanax too and wash it down with wine, just for fun.

    I’m reading this book right now and it says this:
    “You’ve got to wonder what Jesus was like at seventeen. They don’t even talk about it in the Bible, he was apparently so awful.”

    I laughed out loud! I do love your “Take aspirin and keep away from children.” I’m gonna use that now!

    Hang in there, chick!!!

  7. I love the aspirin thing, that was hilarious!

    I can’t think of any good advice, other than possibly moving to a country where they have National Service. Whilst teaching teenagers to use lethal weapons doesn’t on the face of it seem like a massively good idea, it gets them out of the house for 18 months or so, and they’ll learn to do what they’re told.

  8. Damn girl – you really hooked me up! Thanks for the honorable mention. Tonite I will drink one for you!

    BTW This:

    “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

    fuckin cracked me up! I’m going to go check out Sully now.

  9. I have all kinds of feel good pills here!

    One of my heathens scratched Betty Boops eyes out on my phone cover.I am still trying to figure out who the damn culprit is!

  10. I have a twelve pack of beer and two fresh rolls of duct tape. Come on over, I’ll teach you a few of my own personal techniques.

    And thanks for the tip about getting the spawn outta the house quickly; I’m going home this evening to “dust”.

  11. Just wait until the kids show up in college trig or calculus class and the instructor is like “Uh .. you can’t use that calculator in here.” 😉

  12. as soon as my kids were grown and out of the house I quit drinking…any connections..? I think so…

  13. Amen to all you said ,,,,teenagers are a pain in the ass !! Then they do grow up a bit when attending college, but that sucks when you still have a 17yr old at home.


  14. I’m so glad hubby’s been shootin’ blanks all these years.
    I say, skip the replacement calc/phone, let ’em deal w/ it.
    Thanks for stopping by, btw. -fcm

  15. I hate teenagers. I am freaking out because my son is 12 going on 25 and full of tude. I am dreading the next few years of our lives together. I think the whoever invented alcohol must’ve had teenagers.

  16. And I thought that I was the only one that actually *hid* from my children!!!


  17. WANKS to high heaven?????
    Fuck……How many tissues does the boy use in a day?
    Or do you have ta clean up after a wank?

  18. Damn you girl ! I told you to never post that pic of me on the crotch rocket!!!

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