Weddings, Corn Flakes & the Word Fuck

Today is one of those days where I’ve got a ga-jillion things to say, but not enough to constitute an honest to Christ post.  Besides, it’s vacation week and to be perfectly honest, I’m a lazy bitch.

So, here you get some pot-luck crap. 

As good as Aunt Thelma’s mystery casserole.

Oh yah, before I forget… check out my pictures over here.

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One of my best girlfriends called to tell me all about her upcoming wedding plans.  She told me about the dresses, the ceremony, the reception, the colors, her dress, his tux the green chocolate fountain, the planned choreographed dance and everything else under the sun.  Ain’t love adorable. 

She and her wonderful man have been living together for going on two years. 

So, I get off the phone and start telling Big T all the details. 

Me:  “And they’re gonna have a green milk chocolate fountain…”

Big T:  “Seems all ass backward to me.”

Me: *blink*   “What does?”

Big T:  ” Ya know, getting married after living together for so long.”

Me: *blink*

Big T:  “How can I explain it so you get it?  Ok, it’s kinda like wiping your ass before you shit.”

Oh yah, that’s exactly how my man thinks.

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Me & Big T were out ridin in the country on Norris Lake the other day, cuz that’s what we do.  He was telling me stories about all the crazy shit they used to do out there when he was growing up.

Me: “Well, why can’t you do any stupid shit to make me laugh now.”

Big T:  “You can’t plan stupid shit. Stupid shit just happens, baby.”

Me:  “Ain’t that the truth.”

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 A Blonde Joke from OG.  Here goes:

A blonde chick was sitting at the table working a puzzle.  She calls to her boyfriend to come help her because the pieces just didn’t fit.

He walks in, picks up the box to study it, tosses it back on the table and says:

“You can put the Corn Flakes back in the box, Babe.”

Heh.

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I was at the grocery store the other day and the damn little cans of pineapple are waaaay up on the top shelf where I had to stand on my tippie toes just to get to it.

There was a little old man talking to an acquaintance and offered help.

Sweet old guy:  “Need some help, Missy?”

Me:  “Nah, I’m just short.  Help me if these cans fall and knock me out though.”

Sweet old guy:  “Well, just remember it’s better to be a little diamond than it is to be a big hunk of rock.”

Wasn’t that sweet?

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Pulp Fiction News:  The word FUCK is said 269 times throughout the movie.

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As Big T was making every effort to enjoy and old John Wayne flick, my well informed child daughter N states that movies done in Technicolor shouldn’t be watched by people younger than 40. 

He informed her that she had just made a blasphemous statement and she would spend eternity in a hell that is broadcast in Technicolor and surrounded by cheezy actors from the day.

 

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19 Responses to “Weddings, Corn Flakes & the Word Fuck”

  1. Well, I’m the tall gal who helps little people get things off high shelves. You wouldn’t believe how often I’m asked… 🙂

  2. HA, I am also a tall girl that gets asked to retrieve things off high shelves all the time. My mom is 5’3 so since I was 12 I have been reaching things for her.

    I am pretty sure that I say fuck more than 269 times a DAY. I’m just sayin.

  3. Duuuude, like wouldn’t it be freaky if you could do the frosted flakes like a puzzle! I mean like, it would totally be the ultimate in subliminal messages if you like put it together and there was like a message spelled out on the flakes…. That’s totally rad! (Best if read with a surfer dude accent)

  4. Fuck was used 269 times in Pulp Fiction? Wow! Let’s see, that’s 250 times for Samuel L. Jackson and 19 times for everyone else? haha

    I would have thought Glen Gary Glen Ross was close, but nope. Only like 138 times in that movie. Shockingly low actually.

  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog this morning and leaving a note. Looks like I’ll have another blog to read with my morning cup of coffee.

    just bob

  6. Now I really feel bad. I have said the word “fuck” way more than 269 times today.

    I think I better go to church.

    You can’t plan stupid. Stupid just happens.

    Think I’ll put that on my business card.

  7. My whole life is stupid shit.

  8. rantingdiva Says:

    ETW- Awww, that’s sweet! I never ask. I’ve had more than one concussion from reaching way too high and things dropping off on my head.

    Jam- The boy is the one I make reach everything at home for me. 🙂

    Ron- Sweet accent, babe.

    Jay- I had to read that in college.

    Just Bob- Well, I’m glad we’re making nice. We both like beer.

    Mike- I’m sure I’ve said it a bunch more than that. I really have a potty mouth.

  9. What is a green milk choc fountain?

    #1

  10. 269 times in the entire movie?…hell I say fuck more than that before I leave the house in the morning..ahh, a new tshirt…
    “funny shit just happens.”.. I think I like the hubby…If I didn’t have so much fun shooting them I’d get one my ownself..

  11. I always wipe my ass before I shit. After all, I wouldn’t want my shit to get dirty. Am I right people??!!

  12. Well, this big hunk of rock thinks you’re quite the little diamond!

  13. I think I definately say “fuck” more than Pulp Fiction every day. Wow. That’s bad. I probably sound pretty ignorant. I think I need therapy.
    Tell Big T that I lived with Pete for 5 years before we got married. We kind felt that we had to though, seeing how I got knocked up and all. LOL. It’s all good….backwards or not. I’d like to know what her choreographed dance entails….that could be really funny!
    Don’t feel bad about needing help reaching things. I’ve been known to climb up shelving in stores to reach something I need. I’m only 5’3″…knee-high to a grasshopper as my Dad used to say.

  14. honeywine Says:

    Amen, Big T. John Wayne is not my favorite (though he and Claudette Colbert are fine), but old movies just get better with time.

  15. I’m the one who has to ask for help reaching the pineapple!! hahaha! Tall men seem to think I stalk them at the grocery store. Not. It’s a total necessity.

    Men say the darndest things:) It’s also helpful to be a mind reader.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. It’s always fun to have a new site to check out!!

  16. The word FUCK is said 269 times throughout the movie.

    Would it help if I have actually done it that many times…….sigh
    but not in a movie………………

  17. rantingdiva Says:

    Momo- Oh yah, see with me, stupid shit is constant.

    #1- Honestly, I don’t know, but I’m picturing a fountain that looks like a leprechans ass.

    Jackie- I need shock treatment to cure my use of the word fuck.

    Dyck- You are a sick, sick man.

    Riff- That’s just because you want to spank me.

    Michelle- Cussing like a sailor does not make one ignorant.

    Honeywine- Big T watches anything western. Anything.

    Big Hair- Yes, a reason to stalk tall, good lookin men at Kroger!!!

    Steve- Eh, we’re a Fuck saying bunch, pal.

  18. I digg the way your man thinks.

  19. The green fountain of chocolate sounds gross. I cooked green eggs for the kids when they were little, couldn’t put the stuff in my mouth. And your man? FUNNY guy!

    p.s. did you kiss that little old man right on the lips or WHAT!

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