A Bad Joke & A Rant About Telemarketing Asshats

I am an office manager for an small biomedical company in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. We are not a million dollar baby. We are not listed as one of the top companies in the Fortune 500. We are of no consequence to anyone, really. That is, anyone but those damn telemarketers, who seem to call more than our customers do. Until the past two days, the last statement was strictly a sarcastic theory.

I have made it my goal in life to give every telemarketer that calls our office so much shit, that they will beg the powers that be to take our multiple phone numbers off of the automated speedy dialer set up they utilize.

I have found out that the low level asshat that initiates this variety of phone call is generally a mega wuss. Scary Diva puts fear in them and they automatically put me through to a supervisor. Which is fine by me, that’s who I’d prefer to bitch at anyway.

The typical call is as follows:

Asshat: Hello, ma’am. I am calling today on behalf of BellSouth.

Me: You’re calling on behalf of BellSouth? Are you BellSouth or some poor schmuck hired by BellSouth to take this ass whipping?

Asshat: We are contracted by BellSouth to contact existing customers with this exciting..

Me: Let me guess, an exciting new plan?

Asshat: Yes, ma’am. We are…

Me: Stop right there. What is the name of your company?

Asshat: (will name off whatever company of the day is)

Me: And what is your name, please?

Asshat: I can not disclose my name.

Me: You can’t disclose your name? Where is your supervisor?

Asshat: I don’t understand, ma’am.

Me: Your supervisor, your boss. Please put them on the phone.

Asshat: One moment.

Asshat supervisor: I understand there is a problem here?

Me: You could call it that. When I get more calls a day from people like you bogging down my phone lines than I do from my customers, that is a major problem for me.

Assshat supervisor: Let me explain why…

Me: No! Let me explain to you. What is YOUR name. I have your company name.

Asshat supervisor: (rambles off a name)

Me: Okay. Now, I would like this to be recorded. Am I being recorded for quality and training purposes, pal?

Asshat supervisor: Yes, ma’am.

Me: Then understand this. I am keeping your name, the name of your company, the time and date that I spoke with you. I would like you to remove our phone numbers from your database. I would like to cease communication from your company. Do you understand?

Asshat supervisor: Yes. We will remove you immediately.

Me: Great. Because we report companies that do not remove us from their call lists/databases after we request it. I now have everything I need to report your company to the FCC for furthering communications after being asked to stop.

So, the story goes. Of course, the FCC doesn’t do shit for a body. You call, register a complaint, and nothing happens. But, it sure is alot of fun to harass the shit out of someone who’s job it is to harass the shit out of me.

The top of my “I HATE THESE GUYS” list is Bell South, followed ever so closely by Birch Telecom.

I also despise all of these shipping companies who try to out screw each other for the tidbit of business they might be able to get. Of which, my response is always, “If I’m gonna get screwed by a freight company, I’m sticking with UPS because our driver is freakin hot. But thank you for calling and trying to win my business! If you’d like to send some hot drivers over here for inspection, I might consider giving you my business, but I warn you. Our UPS guy will be hard to beat.”

Have a great dessert day, pal.


16 Responses to “A Bad Joke & A Rant About Telemarketing Asshats”

  1. Bad idea. If you stop getting calls, your job will no longer be necessary. Soon you’ll be unemployed and will have to resort to telemarketing.

  2. I love the way you handle telemarketers, I always ask for a stupidvisor but when they stall I just say F*#K YOU and hang up. I have no time for these retards.

  3. Oh you have struck an underwire with me on this topic! I have been getting repeated pre-recorded calls from “Heather at Account Services” & have asked politely & NOT politely to be removed from their data base to no avail…I filed a complaint with FCC & still am getting the calls. ARRRGGG. Next time they call I will use your script!

  4. How about a hot redneck..with a pickup..I haul your frieght for ya baby….:)))))))))))))))))))

  5. hehehe
    Thats got to be tough way to earn huh?
    I usually say hang on while I get the person you need and just put the fone down!!
    Hope u easter was good!

  6. The FCC is too concerned that somebody’s snowflake heard a dirty word on TV to do anything about this stuff.

  7. I usually say something along the lines of “You’ll have to call back when my wife is here…she takes care of all the bills”.

    One guy asked me if I wasn’t allowed to make decisions on my own….

    Oh boy, he got an earful alright.

    I hate them folks too

  8. I cant with telemarketing…I lert my 11 year old son field those phone calls.

    “So, the story goes. Of course, the FCC doesn’t do shit for a body. You call, register a complaint, and nothing happens. But, it sure is alot of fun to harass the shit out of someone who’s job it is to harass the shit out of me.”


  9. OMG, that is great!

    I’m too chicken so I just hang up.

    Unfortunately, where I work (hospital, labor and delivery), our patient hotline (just for patients calling with problems) is almost the same number as the water department.

    We get at LEAST one call a day for them. One day, someone called and was rattling off their water problem when the nurse said, “Unless your water is broke, we can’t help you”.

    I thought that was great.

    Take care Miss Diva!


  10. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    i love telemarketers:)

    for this reason..

  11. My dad was a master at getting rid of telemarketers. He would lead them on such a wild goose chase that we used to just sit and hope a telemarketer would call. He would pretend to be everything from a drunk to a retarded person. Some of the funniest shit I ever saw or heard in my life.

  12. I have a Speedy Dialer! I use it to call Bloglines…

    I was called by some J A that was selling cemetary plots. I asked how many I could buy, and requested to purchase ALL of them. I gave them my expired / suspended card number and thanked the fellow.

  13. way 2 go…..I tend to use four letter words when they call…but this aint a business so i dont have to be classy:)

  14. […] Catscratch Diva blogs about telemarketing. […]

  15. Are you always this funny? Even when angry?

  16. I personally think that’s why all of the UPS folks are good lookin’… 🙂 To keep their customer’s happy. Hey, even the lady we had was fun! hee hee



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