Cherry Poppin, Fart Wars, Makin Babies & Bankruptcy

You perverts!! I know you thought to yourself… “Ohhhh, Diva’s done been rollin’ in the woods again.”

No. I’m a good Christian girl and I don’t roll in the woods or anything of that nature. Not anymore anyway, I got married 2 months ago.

Oh, speaking of pervi-ness. It has come to my attention that I am NOT the only one around this place who had no clue what Half Nekkid Thursday was! Go me! Still doesn’t mean I’m gonna tack my rack on my page. (Although it is more of a ragin’ thing that I thought).

Anyhoo… the cherry I refer to is the Christmas song cherry. I am a complete and total karaoke junkie. Why, I dunno. It’s not that I’m any good at it. I think it’s the fact that I can go get hammered and make an ass out of myself and it not bother me.

So, I made the rounds over the long weekend to my favorite waterin’ holes to partake in cold beer and greasy food whilst listening to all the other drunk monkies attempting to sing their own renditions of many-a-song. Sometimes can be scary, sometimes can be totally awesome, sometimes I need earplugs to keep from bleeding out my ears.

It’s after Thanksgiving and not a single holiday ditty had been krooned. WTF? It’s time to get in the spirit and make people accept the fact that they are going to spend more money than Hugh Hefner does on his playmates.

At both Ronnie’s and Coyote Joe’s, I popped the cherry on the beloved Christmas tune, by belting out Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Actually, I only sang it because I felt the need to pull the Grinch out of my ass. I’m not sure if it worked yet.

*************************************************

Me and Big T called a truce on the fart war as he was getting way too serious and thinking of ways to smoke me out. I waved the red flag sometime on Saturday night when he was kicking my ass by close to 10 farts, er points.
Besides it was costing me too much in candles and air freshner to keep the house smelling fresh with that much shit flying.

************************************************

I have been a really good girl the past couple of days. And Big T has been very cooperative! He’s even trying to cut back and eat healthier with me as a show of support. Not sure how long he’ll last before he caves and sneaks to Burger King for a grease bomb, but he’s got my undying gratitude for not doing it in front of me.

I have sucked down ungodly amounts of water rather than Diet Dew and Diet Coke. I have kicked Taco Hell to the curb (last I heard, they’re about to file bankruptcy). The fridge is filled with healthy crap like you’d find at a fat farm and we’re actually eating it. My ass has even managed to hoof out 3+ miles a day on the treadmill at increasingly increasing speeds. Go me.

Swear to God, there is no way my ass is buying new fat clothes after I gave all the old ones away and done went out and bought all new smaller clothes last year. Not gonna do it.

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On the baby makin’ front, we gots a big fat strike out. No bun in the oven over here yet. I reckon since the doctor said my fat ass needs to lose a few pounds before actively pursuing baby makin. I have to admit I was sort of bummed out when I had to make my way to Walgreens for Midol, tampons and bon-bons (actually I got Diet Dew, not bon bons…).

I can only assume that I knew I wasn’t pregnant because I had a wicked mean bout with PMS this week and felt like I was going to strangle several people for relatively small and mostly harmless offenses.

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14 Responses to “Cherry Poppin, Fart Wars, Makin Babies & Bankruptcy”

  1. moooooog35 Says:

    Interestingly, I was actually going to write my own article titled the exact same thing (Cherry Poppin, Fart Wars, Makin Babies and Bankruptcy)…

    …which was basically about one of my weekends at college.

    ..my parents are so proud.

  2. Divalicious Says:

    I know, huh. My mother would have a coniption fit if she knew I’m so warped. It’ll just be our little secret.

  3. This half-naked thursday is really taking off!

  4. The wife and I need to lose a few pounds too and plan on trying soon. However, right now we are at the limits of our old clothes and barely keeping from popping a seam or two.

    Oh yeah, she beats me at the fart game too!

    I ain’t going neked though, on Thursday, or any other day. It’s too scary.

  5. Memphis Steve Says:

    I used to do Half Nekkid Thursday, but eventually I ran out of bodyparts and things to do with them, so I had to give it up.

    Also, people were begging me to stop.

  6. Divalicious Says:

    m@- Yah, it’s takin off, but I’m still a wuss and pastin my goodies on my page may just prove a disadvantage in a popularity contest =D

    Mushy- It is a well known fact the women can fart, burp and spit better than men (just most are too shy to own up to it.) Not me. Gimme a lighter! Let’s see if we can catch this bad boy on fire!!

    Memphis Steve- See, that is what I know would happen to me. I’d do it once, and folks from all around we be beggin me to put it back on. It would absolutely abolish my self-esteem and we don’t need that, now do we?

  7. Oh come on!!!

    Is there REALLY such a thing as a harmless offense when you are PMS’ing?

    I think not.

    They all deserve to burn at the stake for whatever level of annoyance they cause. All of ’em. Even the cute ones.

  8. Olga, the Traveling Bra Says:

    Good Lord woman!…you crack me UP! But I hear ya about the weight thing…I’m busting my seams right now too! Ta-Ta!

  9. BottleBlonde Says:

    Restricting calories and drinking water? How boring. I eat whatever I want … then throw it up. Try bulimia, girl. All the cool kids are doing it.

  10. Olga, the Traveling Bra Says:

    I think you better check your atTITude, Missy! (At my blog, I mean.)

  11. Taco bell is filing fo bankruptcy?! THis is an out rage! I need tb to survive!!!

  12. Diva..hit the nail on the head women can fart and burp with the best of them..they are usually to shy to do it….I rpomise not to tell your mom……:):):)

  13. Nosjunkie Says:

    can somebody please explain what the point is of half nekkid thursday

  14. Divalicious Says:

    Hi Amy! Yes, I tend to shoot fire out my eyes about every 28 days. Anyone sportin a penis can do no right for close to a week.

    Olga, you spicy travel guru. I have located a super great plastic surgeon. Wanna see if he’ll do a buy one get one free deal? Halfsies? Lemme know. I need lypo STAT!

    BB- Now why didn’t I think of that. Chew n spew! Good idea. BRB!

    Ms. P- Without my $$$ filtering in there, bankruptcy is a sure thing. I’ll take one for the team and go have a burrito for lunch (then yack it up) to keep them in business. You’re in Cali tho? You can grub at Del Taco. mmmmmm, DelTaco. With Del Taco one will not starve. Mmmmmmm.

    Howdy Robert! I swore for the first year I was with Big T, that I don’t burp and I’d explode before I’d fart. He started it and I’m sure now his male ego is surely suffering… that nasty man.

    Hi sweet Nos. HNT is apparently an excellent to take risque pictures of one’s self and slap them on one’s blog =)
    If I had a hot bod and wasn’t a wuss, I’d do it.

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